A Post With A Disclaimer

Disclaimer: I've always heard it is bad luck to let anything from the previous year linger into the new year. So, with that in mind, I'm cleaning out my thought closet by putting them here. If you choose to skip this one, so be it...if you choose to continue, do so knowing that it's long, at times pitiful and most likely not well organized. Here's to leaving the old behind and hoping to feel more hopeful in 2010. Happy New Year!

It’s always too long between posts and while I feel an obligation to apologize, and would sincerely mean said apology, well, really there is no excuse and perhaps then an apology would be undermining at best. To be honest, I’ve been blue. I’m sure it can be attributed to the season and circumstances, but I really did not want to subject anyone to that. Partially because I don’t want to be the whiny, depressed, negative, sad blogger, and partially because if I choose to read old blogs, I didn’t want all that’s been in my head the last couple of months to be living on. The quandary there is that since I’m not getting all of that out of my brain, I’m also not moving on.

My last thought when I get in bed each night and my 2nd thought (after doing the math/planning required to hit snooze one more time) when I wake in the morning is here I go again alone (not to be confused with Here I Go Again On My Own as sung by the gloriously talented Whitesnake). I know I’m blessed to be surrounded by family, coworkers and friends who care about me – and don’t mistake my pity party as being ungrateful for them – I’m very grateful, but at the end of the day, they all have their spouses, their children, and their own lives. I don’t.

From the first jewelry commercial of November through my birthday, life is hard. It’s more about survival than enjoyment. It’s about getting through a day without feeling that aching hole inside or that burning tingle that warns tears will soon follow. Everything about this time of year screams if you don’t have someone to love you (and to love back), you’re nobody. Each 30 second spot from Kay, Jarrod, Zales, etc. is a punch in the gut reminding me that I don’t have anyone to buy me diamond earrings, a tennis bracelet, or the latest in necklaces celebrating how far we’ve come and how committed we are to the future. There’s no we for me and that’s a problem.

When it comes to most problems, I’m pretty good at assessing the situation and seeing a solution. For this one, I can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. I’ve changed me in more ways than I can list – and some have been pretty significant – I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, totally changed my hair color (though I’m pretty certain that hasn’t been an issue), worked on making a better first impression by stepping out of my quiet, sit back and watch comfort zone (especially after a friend said it’s possible my problem is that it takes more than one interaction with me to like me), stuck my neck out with online dating and agreed to a blind date with a friend’s brother. Guess what? Still single.

I won’t go back to the internet stuff. For one, I’ve always seen the process as more organic than that, and two, well, no one there really showed a great amount of interest in me – and can I tell you that feeling like no one in all the internet could possibly want to date you sucks? As far as the blind date goes, well, I can’t explain why that didn’t work. We talked a good bit (but not too much) before meeting (again – I’d met him 8 years ago when the friend and I were in college, but I doubt he remembers). We seemed to agree on most important moral issues and interests (except college football – but even that was something we could agree to disagree on). We had a good first date, albeit a little eventful with a busted radiator – but I thought I handled that well because he called before I even got out of the city limits to invite me to game night with his family the next week, then we talked the next week and he asked me out to dinner again for the following week. I went to game night and we all had a great time – his mom has always liked me so that’s gotta count for something too. As I headed home, he called before I was out of the neighboring town to thank me for coming and say he had a good time…and that was the last time he called me. I called him Sunday following (swallowing pride and breaking those stupid rules printed in The Rules) and thought things were normal. I didn’t hear from him Monday, but I knew he was going Christmas shopping. I texted to check in Tuesday and then I stopped being the one initiating communication. And that was it.

And while I can’t say there were feelings there – there was potential. I really thought things were great and that there was a real possibility this could be something good. I know the crazy process allows for all of this and for whatever reason, it’s been my experience that when someone isn’t interested in me, they just walk away instead of having a conversation about it. The problem there is that I don’t get any sort of feedback that gives me an idea of what I should be doing different, nor do I get any real closure. And whether it be the timing or the overwhelming feelings that come with unanswered questions and total rejection, the loss of the potential has thrown me for a loop. I’m usually very resilient – seriously, this sort of thing has happened more than my pride cares to admit – and I bounce back just fine. Not so much this time.

I have always loved to rock Christmas music 24-7 from the day after Thanksgiving through Christmas day. This year, I’ve rocked little more than the angry 90s music found on XM’s Lithium. Nothing says joyful holidays like Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins. I don’t have too much to say – and feel like most of what I am saying lately is a façade. People ask how I am – and I’m fine/great/good or some combination thereof. Seriously, do people want to know the truth to that question? Some days are good – but even those good days typically end with the same final thought when I go to bed. I’m alone and no one loves me (in that romantic way – I know my parents and family love me) and I need to accept that may be permanent.

That thought alone breaks my heart more than I have words to express. Even more heartbreaking is how much those feelings are making me doubt my faith.

Our sermon yesterday was about what kind of people we were. There were categories we discussed and our pastor made a point by asking what your obituary would say. Now I know what the facts of my obituary would say – my age, where I lived, what I did, and who survived me. But he raised the question about what others would say about the type of person I was. For some reason, that connected back to something I read in a blog in July. A local person had passed away (I didn’t know him – but I know people who did). When speaking of the arrangements in a blog, the author wrote “He was a congenial, warm-spirited man who somehow never married.” Those words struck me when I read them and have stayed with me almost 6 months now. I wonder if people would use the phrase “somehow never married” or would it be more along the lines of “obviously never married.” Are people who know me, knew me or who I meet surprised I’m single or do they think of course she is alone?

I know I’m rambling…and I’m sure there are tiny violins playing the world’s saddest song just for me. I do my best to not lose sight of how blessed and fortunate I am. I know there are people who truly have no one, others without a roof over their head and 85+ pairs of shoes in their closet. I know many would trade problems with me in an instant and I’m sure if we piled them up, I’d prefer to keep my own. I know that part of what hurts so bad is that I haven’t been able to meet my self-created deadlines for how life should be. But even those come from a logical place – there are lots of statistics about fertility decline past a certain age and more often than not I hear Mary Jo Shively’s voice saying a woman has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than getting married after 35. Silly, huh? Especially since I have about 4 years until I hit 35. But it’s also been 5 years since my last relationship ended – and there was a 2 year gap between that one and the one prior. So my history doesn’t exactly make for warm fuzzy feelings that anything is happening in my immediate future.

I know we can’t measure God’s love for us and that it isn’t fair to think because He doesn’t give us what we ask for he doesn’t love us. I know that in my head, but you see, I’m having a really hard time right now convincing my heart. I don’t know how to fix my problem and I don’t trust when others tell me I’ll find someone. No one knows whether or not that is in my future except for Him.

It seems all I can do is my best to focus my thoughts and energies elsewhere, stay busy at work, count the blessings I have and get through each day. I want to end this with a high note, but I’m just not sure what that would be. Any advice (unless it is going to make me feel worse, haha) and prayers would be appreciated.

Oh, I know a high note – I made these creamed mushrooms Christmas Eve and they were wonderful. Nothing like cream and wine to smooth things over for an evening.