If self-doubt were an Olympic sport, I would win gold every time...

Why is that? Why are we so good at doubting our worth, abilities and actions?

When I changed my major in college to Management w/HR Emphasis from Accounting, I thought I would never have to deal with the IRS. Truthfully, they scare me big time. Everytime you hear the initials, they are so omnious. But alas, because my employer has a 401k, we are accountable to the IRS for ERISA and EBSA regulations. This means we file forms each year. These forms are prepared by a third party administrator and audited by our independent CPA, so I don't do much with them. I'm pretty much responsible for pulling files and answering CPA questions and putting the whole package in the mail. Easy enough, right?

Yeah, so explain the 45 minutes of tears (not all out hyperventalating, snot running crying...just tears) and profuse sweating - no sugar coating that it was heavy glistening - it was a thank goodness I wore black and good antipersperant today sweat this afternoon - if it is so easy.

I received my package at 3:30 - and it has to go out today. Thankfully, I can use a private delivery service so I didn't have to struggle to get it to the post office which is across town by 5. It comes with instructions that more less read:

Step 1: Sign pages x and y. I prefer my CEO sign them and he's out, but I'm authorized, so that's not a problem.

Step 2: Attach form 1234 that we sent you in July.

HOLD UP! I don't have form 1234. I can't remember getting it in July. I don't remember having it signed, putting it in the envelope and mailing it. GBF (Great Balls of Fire - I'm totally stealing this from one of our managers, but I love it!)! Was our extension not filed? The fine is $1,100 per day...I'm surely going to be fired and go to jail!

Start the shaking hands now...followed by fervered search through every piece of paper in my office...head to file room where I've boxed old information and search it...call our rep and leave my best attempt at sounding calm voicemail...email our rep and document preparer...tell my boss - who just encourages me to breathe and trusts the entire time it is all okay and as it should be...call rep again...bypass voicemail and select prompt to connect to nationwide customer service. Thankfully, the hold time wasn't long. It took all I had to say my name, company information and situation while keeping my voice steady.

He looks...sees my extension request...looks some more...puts me on hold...comes back and apologizes for his computer system running slow - I told him it was fine. It was giving me more time to pray. He laughed a short laugh before realizing I was not kidding. We go back and forth a bit more - he finds the extension but may have to request a copy of form 1234 elsewhere which will take a minimum of one business day.

I quickly explain how that is not good enough as the package had to go out today and I just received it at 3:30 this afternoon. My notice was short enough to begin with without having problems. He tries contacting other people with no luck. He then asks if I received a confirmation letter from the IRS. I replied that it had been 3 months and I couldn't recite the mail I received yesterday (which is not entirely true).

He then asked if I was sure hte form wasn't included in my package. I said, it wasnt indicated that way by the instructions, and I had looked through for my places to sign, but I hadn't gone through page by page. He asked me to humor him (like that's what I felt like doing at that moment) and flip through the documents. And, you may have guessed it, the stupid form was the 3rd page from the last in the packet. I believe my exact words, "crap, it was here the whole time - I'm so sorry and really appreciate your help." He laughed - bless his good sported heart!

I called my boss and told her too. She laughed as well. And more or less that she knew it was taken care of because it would be so unlike me for it to fall through. And also that I was too anal retentive about the instructions that I didn't see past them. I told her I knew I didn't have the form and the adrenaline filled panic wouldn't let me see past jail time and unemployment.

And she's right. I make my share of mistakes - but things like this don't fall through the cracks with me. I'm almost OCD about rules, steps and processes (or maybe I am). Why is it easier for others to have more faith in us than it is for us to have faith in ourselves? I know my track record. When will I ever be good enough for me?

PS...I started this earlier and thought the title clever...now I see the contradiction and like it even better.