Broken Heart

This cannot be a good sign...

8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This verse keeps appearing in my life lately. There are so many things that I have difficulty understanding - some have been building over time and some have been faster in their approach. Some I recognize immediately as good - and others I cannot possibly fathom.

I'm struggling to see how lonliness can work for good; how a sudden and terminal diagnosis can work for good; how children starving and/or enduring abuse can work for good. I don't see where good can come from one family losing a child, only to have their remaining one face cancer 20 years later. I cannot find the good in record-breaking heat and drought.

But...

I believe in God. I have faith and trust in His word. I know my mind is too small for the big picture. So I pray His will be shown and done despite my myopic view cannot see the good. I am grateful for the good He sees in me that others miss and my He open my eyes to the good I fail to see in others.

My Weekend (in pictures)

I was blessed to attend the wedding of a college friend this past weekend. I contemplated not going because the last wedding I attended did not leave me feeling so great about life. I'm so glad I pushed that behind me and went anyway. It was wonderful to see my friends from college. It bears repeating, I love friendships that pick right up where they left off.

Promises

I cannot believe it has been nearly two months since my last post. I know I am infrequent (especially compared to friends), but this is ridiculous. In my defense, I have been travelling for work and am pretty worn out by the time I have an internet connection either at home or a hotel.


All the time on the road has provided quite a bit of time (probably too much) for reflection and contemplation. Which brings us to this post. I've been pondering God, answered/unanswered prayer and His promises.


A day does not go by where I do not read or see evidence of God's answered prayers and fulfilled promises. For other people. I see pictures of thriving babies, read status updates on anticipated wedding days, milestone anniversaries and life working out in general. Meanwhile, I'm feeling like I can't catch a break. You all know I don't have the husband, kids and white picket fence I've dreamed and prayed for since I was old enough to want those things. In addition to that, I've been dealing with car troubles (where I have had my one reprieve - my newly balanced tires weren't properly balanced - so thankfully, a re-balance fixed my problems. I thought I was looking at a $1,500 car repair - a $30 redo by a different mechanic is much much better), more stress than is typical and an overall feeling of being broke and broken.


There is evidence throughout the Bible - Noah's Ark, Hannah and Samuel, the birth and crucifixion of Christ - where God delivers on His word. In my own personal circle, I have numerous friends giving Him glory for their fulfilled promises. And I celebrate with them. I'm genuinely happy for them. I've cried joyful tears over their stories. And I glean a little hope in their answered prayers.


All that to say, I fully believe God is of His word. My question is, How do you know what God has promised in your life?


I have another two days of driving to keep on thinking.

Heaven

Have any of you read this book? I finished about a week ago and it has left me thinking. I had several friends exclaim what a fantastic book it is. And I agree, the story is nothing short of amazing. I got especially motivated to read it during an "end of times" conversation at work. A co-worker stated, "You all need to read Heaven is For Real. It will make you feel better about Heaven."

Well, here's the deal. I did not feel bad about Heaven to begin with. I have questions, of course, but I have never doubted the existence of God, Jesus, Heaven and Hell. Those have been steady absolutes in the course of my faith. But after reading this book, I'm even less ready to get there than I was before.

As I stated, my motivation started with an end of times conversation. I firmly believe no one but God knows when that day will come. I also firmly believe that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go regardless of the activity you are currently engaged in. I do not use that as an excuse to participate in things I deem reckless or just plain scary. In short, I will not be sky-diving any time soon.

Prior to reading this book, I had not given much thought to how Heaven is organized. Of course I've pictured the mansion-lined streets of gold - all with gorgeously manicured lawns and pristine perfect flowers in front. But I had not given much thought to whether those mansions were family or individual dwellings.

In the book, Colton describes meeting his dad's grandfather - who had passed away long before he was born. Pop knew exactly who Colton was in his family and greeted him accordingly. So this makes me think that Heaven is organized by families - at least to some extent. And as I do not have one of my own, I am worried now about spending eternity alone. I know how irrational that sounds. I know that God does not want us to worry or be anxious. Believe me I know. I've had people my whole life reiterate those specific scriptures to me because I worry more than average. I simply do not know how to stop.

Ridiculous as it may be, this has really had me struggling for the past few days. I have watched friends have their prayers answered - and for that matter, prayers I prayed for friends get answered too. I'm so genuinely happy for them - one in particular makes me cry with joy every time I think of them. Yet, there is this very human piece of me wondering if the prayers I pray for myself will be answered. I used to fear being terminally single, but now, I fear spending eternity as a party of 1 too. Another worry is just what I needed.

Let me finish by saying that I do not intend for this to sound as pitiful or pathetic as it may be reading. I have typed this whole post without a single tear or even that tingly feeling in my nose. I also would not want this post to discourage you from reading the book. It is an incredible story and a very fast read. I also believe the things that make us think are also the very things that build faith. So I'm thinking...and trying not to let the thinking remain a worry.

Culture

Last Tuesday, my mom had an opportunity for free tickets to a show at our local university. Below is our text conversation.

Mom: Free tickets Pilobolus Cowan ctr tonite 7:30. With Tina and Carrie (co-workers of hers). Interested?? (Yes, she totally did the multiple question mark thing.)
Me: I don't know what that is, but sure.

Friends, let me tell you what it is. I Googled the word and had two options - an interpretive dance troupe and a type of fungus. I couldn't make that up. Thankfully, Pilobolus turned out to be the interpretive dance troupe. Because seriously, who wants to go watch fungus? It was really interesting. There are videos on their site to preview if you're interested.

Although I know they are not the same, I often relate interpretive dance with modern-style. And the whole time I sat there wondering if this was what Martha Graham envisioned her creation evolving into. And while it isn't likely something I would want to see again - I did appreciate the strength and grace in their movements.

What I did not appreciate was all the running water music in the last dance. By curtain call, I had to run out of the theater to answer nature's call. :-)

Wildflowers & Feet

Going to bed Saturday night, I did not think I could love the children these feet belong to more than I did at that moment. But then there was Sunday...

I'm also really digging the "Instagram" app for my phone...