Heaven

Have any of you read this book? I finished about a week ago and it has left me thinking. I had several friends exclaim what a fantastic book it is. And I agree, the story is nothing short of amazing. I got especially motivated to read it during an "end of times" conversation at work. A co-worker stated, "You all need to read Heaven is For Real. It will make you feel better about Heaven."

Well, here's the deal. I did not feel bad about Heaven to begin with. I have questions, of course, but I have never doubted the existence of God, Jesus, Heaven and Hell. Those have been steady absolutes in the course of my faith. But after reading this book, I'm even less ready to get there than I was before.

As I stated, my motivation started with an end of times conversation. I firmly believe no one but God knows when that day will come. I also firmly believe that when it's your time to go, it's your time to go regardless of the activity you are currently engaged in. I do not use that as an excuse to participate in things I deem reckless or just plain scary. In short, I will not be sky-diving any time soon.

Prior to reading this book, I had not given much thought to how Heaven is organized. Of course I've pictured the mansion-lined streets of gold - all with gorgeously manicured lawns and pristine perfect flowers in front. But I had not given much thought to whether those mansions were family or individual dwellings.

In the book, Colton describes meeting his dad's grandfather - who had passed away long before he was born. Pop knew exactly who Colton was in his family and greeted him accordingly. So this makes me think that Heaven is organized by families - at least to some extent. And as I do not have one of my own, I am worried now about spending eternity alone. I know how irrational that sounds. I know that God does not want us to worry or be anxious. Believe me I know. I've had people my whole life reiterate those specific scriptures to me because I worry more than average. I simply do not know how to stop.

Ridiculous as it may be, this has really had me struggling for the past few days. I have watched friends have their prayers answered - and for that matter, prayers I prayed for friends get answered too. I'm so genuinely happy for them - one in particular makes me cry with joy every time I think of them. Yet, there is this very human piece of me wondering if the prayers I pray for myself will be answered. I used to fear being terminally single, but now, I fear spending eternity as a party of 1 too. Another worry is just what I needed.

Let me finish by saying that I do not intend for this to sound as pitiful or pathetic as it may be reading. I have typed this whole post without a single tear or even that tingly feeling in my nose. I also would not want this post to discourage you from reading the book. It is an incredible story and a very fast read. I also believe the things that make us think are also the very things that build faith. So I'm thinking...and trying not to let the thinking remain a worry.

Culture

Last Tuesday, my mom had an opportunity for free tickets to a show at our local university. Below is our text conversation.

Mom: Free tickets Pilobolus Cowan ctr tonite 7:30. With Tina and Carrie (co-workers of hers). Interested?? (Yes, she totally did the multiple question mark thing.)
Me: I don't know what that is, but sure.

Friends, let me tell you what it is. I Googled the word and had two options - an interpretive dance troupe and a type of fungus. I couldn't make that up. Thankfully, Pilobolus turned out to be the interpretive dance troupe. Because seriously, who wants to go watch fungus? It was really interesting. There are videos on their site to preview if you're interested.

Although I know they are not the same, I often relate interpretive dance with modern-style. And the whole time I sat there wondering if this was what Martha Graham envisioned her creation evolving into. And while it isn't likely something I would want to see again - I did appreciate the strength and grace in their movements.

What I did not appreciate was all the running water music in the last dance. By curtain call, I had to run out of the theater to answer nature's call. :-)

Wildflowers & Feet

Going to bed Saturday night, I did not think I could love the children these feet belong to more than I did at that moment. But then there was Sunday...

I'm also really digging the "Instagram" app for my phone...

Happiness...

While I'm not the photographer in my group of friends (by any stretch!), I have been making a conscious effort to take more pictures. I took this one about six weeks ago on my poor quality phone camera. Then, since it was almost my bday, the phone guy transferred my pictures to my new phone for free. SO I worked this one through the Instamatic app and am pleased with the results...

I need to write...

I cannot believe it's been more than a month since my last post. It's not like life has stood still in the last 32 days - quite the opposite in fact. I simply haven't had anything I felt worth sharing - or that wasn't redundant.

I visited the motherland on the 18th for my sister's roommate's birthday, then headed to Austin for her best friend's birthday. We ended up at Pete's Piano Bar - which is always big fun.

The following weekend was spent catching up and visiting with the kiddos. It had been nearly a month since I had seen them all! Which is crazy hard to believe since we live so close. Everyone is so busy though - basketball, cheer and soon to add softball and t-ball to the mix. Whew, I'm worn out thinking about it! But I also love it. I'm especially excited to watch first-year t-ball again. There's nothing like it!

The next weekend was my birthday. I shipped the parents off to Hawaii and spent a lot of time doing laundry and watching trash tv. I treated myself to a massage, but other than that, it was just another Saturday. I used to love my birthday. I would start counting down in January. Now, they are just sad.

But if my birthday was depressed, last weekend was just the Prozac to fix it. It was Woo Girls Spring Fling 2011. We laughed, ate, shopped, laughed, drank a little, talked, ate and laughed some more. It was absolutely fabulous. I'm so grateful to my friend, Kristin, for hosting us in her lovely home. I'm also thankful to her husband for allowing us to invade while he and their daughter vacated. We certainly missed those who could not make it and I am very excited for our get-together scheduled for May.

Either perfect segue or a total non-sequitir...I've struggled a lot with not fitting in. I'm not sure if it comes simply from being a girl. Or from being a tall, big girl, but it's more common for me to feel outside the group than a part of it.

With my Woo Girls, this is so much less the case. Which is sort of odd since superficially, I have less in common with them than they with each other. They are all married. Most have a child (or children). Sure, we share a same high school, some of us share past experiences and more than one of us share a crazy love for shoes. But when we get together, we all just get each other. It's an amazing answered prayer.

By contrast though, I've felt a lot lately that I don't belong in a place where every one is supposed to be welcome. Where anyone can come and receive love and encouragement. I'm really struggling with the lack of all-inclusive fellowship opportunities. It could be my own sensitivities/insecurities, but we have not had an all member fellowship since Thanksgiving. February was dedicated to couples and so far March has been all about families. And I don't qualify for those. My initial reaction was a little angry and bitter. But as I sat last night waiting for a quick meeting to start, I was shocked to find a tear rolling down my cheek. I had not realized how hurt I was to not be included. It was an almost surreal feeling.

Hopefully all of that will get better in the coming months. Maybe my circumstances will change or maybe I will.

Tomorrow...

"If I speak in the tongues of men or angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

I've been having trouble sleeping, which I'm sure is a phase. The other night I posted on FB something about needing an on/off switch for my mind. But the thoughts are fueled by my lonely heart - so it's more accurate to say I need to switch it off. If I could quit feeling, this loveless life wouldn't hurt so damn bad.

Bloom Where You are Planted?

I’ve heard this saying a million times in my life – mostly from people on the outskirts of my world and not in reference to me. I’m not sure where it originated or why necessarily. I’m sure you’ve heard it before too.

Having a teeny bit of gardening knowledge, the saying itself sort of cracks me up. Not every seed is going to bloom where it’s plopped in earth. If you planted a cactus in Seattle, it would not flourish any more than a water lily in the deserts of Arizona.

I do not have the greenest of thumbs, but it’s not totally killer black either. I do well with most house plants – ivies, ferns and even a ficus has thrived in my care. I managed to not kill an African Violet for two years.

Every year, I plant an Amaryllis before Christmas knowing in 6-8 weeks I’ll be rewarded with a statuesque base for a gorgeous bursting bloom (in red – I usually get red). This year was no exception. I enjoy the process of rehydrating the dirt that comes in the kit, nestling the bulb just so and watering it as needed. With these fast growing plants, each watering brings a reward of progress. The leaves grow – you can see the base of the bloom – all things that let you know you are taking good care of this flower.

Normally that is. This year, my Amaryllis seems to be defective. I have three tall, healthy leaves – one at about 2 feet in length. But I have no sign of a bloom.

As someone who tends to look for signs, specifically those related to reasons to hope, this does not forecast well. I keep watering, feeding and whispering sweet nothings hoping for a turn around. I hope this is not a metaphor. All leaves and no flower.