My Spot

Last week I was talking with a friend about the places we seek for solace and clarity.

Today was our second day of nothing but gray skies...perfect for how I felt. This afternoon my mood was of the second to worst combination - worried and tired (the worst would be tired, worried and PMS in case you wondered). My family is dealing with a pretty significant change in a very short period of time.

Back story...my Gdad came to spend the weekend with us during Hurricane Ike. After that, he pretty much decided to stay. He still has his house in Madisonville, and he visits from time to time, but he is staying pretty permanently at Chateau Stewart these days. It's been great getting to know him in a new way and I am thankful to have this time with him in this way. He went home for a visit with my uncle last week (and to do a little gardening). He has been totally different since he got home. My best guess is that something at the house was a trigger - but all of a sudden he is very disoriented and forgetful. He has been talking about seeing people who have been gone for years (my Gmom, his brother, etc). It's so very strange how quickly he seems to have declined. We went through some of this with my mom's parents, but their decline was much more gradual (until my Gdad died and my Gmom declined quickly). As hard as that was, I can see how it prepared us to deal with it again. He went to the doctor today and they are doing some tests. Hopefully it will be something remedied (or improved) with medication adjustments. I'll be praying for that (feel free to join me if you feel inclined - I would really appreciate it).

Anyway, so that's what's been on my mind since last Friday (when he came home). I worry about my dad too because he isn't getting much sleep (my Gdad has started to wander at night). And today he was driving in the rain with less than the ideal amount of sleep. I'm glad to report they both made it home safe and sound, and so far, my Gdad is in bed. Maybe tonight will be the night he makes it through until morning.

With all of that, and because of my recent reflections on my spot, I thought it'd be nice to share photos with you. When I had my driver's permit, my parents would let me drive around the resort where we vacationed (which is conveniently about 5 miles from our current house). In my discovery driven drives (you know I love alliteration), I really developed an appreciation for the peace and quiet that came with these two spots.

The first spot was at the end of a road which dead-ended to a pier which of course ends in the water. They have since built condos around it, so it is a little less serene during vacation season (though still lovely and peaceful this time of year). It's where I would go when I needed quiet back then...and where I have gone since moving when I needed calm. It's where my ex and I first said I love you (puke, I know), and where I often worked through a Bible study last spring.




My second spot is now a park (though still contained within the resort property). Before they put up the sign declaring it's park status, it always felt off the beaten path...though there was a definitive dirt road that led the way. To get to it, you have to wind down several roads, past a few houses and with a turn here and there. It didn't matter that we visited one time per year, after the first finding, the map to "my" spot was burned into my being.

A few years ago they designated it as a park and added a picnic table. When I went today, the picnic table was gone, and there was a huge pile of limbs and debris to the left of the shore. I'm sure the table will be back...but until then, I enjoyed the view, sounds and smells from the comfort of my new favorite flip flops (which are now profoundly muddy!).





Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

The Best?

How do you define the best?

In most competitive sports, it would seem that the winner is always the best. Though, I think there is room for argument there. Sure the opposing team may have won, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have the best talent used in the best plays, does it? Even the best have an off day, right?

This may come as a shock to you, but I’m not a competitive person. It’s probably why I am the queen of one year when it came to sports. I tried soccer for one year. I played basketball for one year. I took tennis for one year. I played softball one year. I was on swim team for one year. See the pattern? I always finished the year, but it wasn’t always fun. I really didn’t have the drive to care if we won or lost. The only thing I did longer than a year was dance. I danced for about 8 years. Go figure that my longest lasting activity was non-competitive.

I’ve never been the best. Maybe that’s due to my lack of competitiveness…but it’s true. I was certainly not the best of any of the above mentioned sports, nor was I close to the best dancer (Katy was and will always be the best dancer I’ve known). I participated in academic competitions – UIL and such, and placed in several events…but I don’t recall ever being first. I did well in school, but wasn’t valedictorian, nor did I graduate college with honors. I made perfect scores on test and papers, but even that didn’t designate me as the best.

I’m not the best daughter, sister or aunt (though I’m Alanna’s favorite…I taught her to say “please, you’re my favorite” when she wanted something and it’s stuck. I’m pretty sure if you asked her she would tell you she has 3 favorite aunts though). I work hard at my job (and succeed most of the time), but I bet I’m not the best HR Director in the world either. If you’ve read much of my blog, you know I’m not the best writer, nor am I the best at consistent blogging. I’m not the best of God’s children, nor do I always make the best decisions.

My intentions are mostly good – but we know about those and their connection to the road to hell. Some days feel like they are more about survival than succeeding. So I guess I wonder…though I may be the best at being me, am I the best I can be?

Speechless

Ever felt totally at a loss for words? Those reading who have known me longer than 10 minutes know that rarely happens to me. But here lately, I don't seem to have much to say on my blog. I have certainly written a blog for week 4 of our Bible Study...but the more I read it - the more I feel like it isn't worth posting. As a result, I have writer's block for weeks 5 & 6.


Don't get me wrong, I have a ton of thoughts and things swimming around in my head...but they are the same ol' things said different ways. This may be the very definition of being in a rut. I spend the bulk of my time at work, home and church, with the occasional tanning bed break (yes I know about skin cancer and the risk I am taking...frankly, it's the most living dangerously I do - aside from my walk to Mexico a couple of weeks ago - so humor me).


I feel some guilt for my writing absence. You see, I love reading other blogs and am actually one of those people who get a little tiny bit agitated when there isn't a new post for a while. I have never claimed to not be a hypocrit :-) But really, how much can one person expect another to read about how much I hate being single at this stage in life, how things have not gone as I thought they would, yada yada yada? In fact, I have probably exceeded most of your limits already.


For my married with kids friends, I want you to know - that even on your worst day, there is someone a little jealous of your life. Sure, I enjoy that I can travel and make plans without much thought and little consideration for how they affect others (dog-care is not as hard to hustle up as child care, I'm sure). I don't have to consult with anyone about a dime I spend. If I choose to wait an extra day or two to do laundry - no one is really the wiser.


But oh my goodness, think of the impact you are making on the world. You are responsible (albeit overwhelmingly at times) for another beings, well, being. You are their whole world, and the things you do with that child can leave a lifetime of good in the world. You know without a shadow of a doubt someone else needs you...that their success tomorrow is directly related to whether or not you are there. You know you matter. What a blessing!!

On a side note...my pastor referenced Habukkuk 2:3 on Sunday, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay." While I know it certainly isn't all about me, I can't help but hope this is a reminder from God reminding me to be patient, for all things come in His time.

Bible Study Sessions 3

Howdy folks! I’m later than I planned to be on writing this (and even later than that because last week was so busy!). I had hoped to blog within 1-2 days of each Bible Study, but aside from last week being crazy busy (more on that later), this week’s study offered a lot to ponder and has taken time to digest. And I’m not sure I’ve still completely absorbed it, but I’ve chewed long enough to share.

This week began Beth Moore’s portion of the study, and if you’ve never seen her speak, find a way. She is incredibly powerful and motivating. Maybe it’s just me, but everything she says just makes me feel called to do more. I was fortunate to attend a simulcast last July, and came away fired up to do something different in our church with the Women’s Ministry. I shared my desire with the right people, and am now serving on that committee and feel very good about the things we have planned for our church. But I digress…

Anyway, Priscilla Shirer covered the anointing, and Beth Moore covers the transformation. During the course of her presentation at our last meeting, Moore made several excellent and quotable points. In talking with other women attending, we have all found ourselves repeating them – either in our heads or out loud throughout the days following. One point was that baggage attracts baggage. Yours may come in Gucci and his in a paper sack, but both enter into a relationship with baggage (maybe my problem is that I don’t have enough baggage to attract guys in my age group who seem to bring enough grocery sacks with them to fill several landfills? I digress…). She also made a point about seeking deliverance from your next pit instead of delaying it.

Perhaps the most resonating statement she made was that we have to get over our devastation with God. When she said that, I believe most of us had light bulbs click with realization, several of us felt relief to have a name for the feeling, and most of us were grateful to know we were not the only ones who had felt that way. There was also a sense of guilt leaving the room as well. I admit that I have felt disappointed in God and devastated by His apparent plan for my life. Though I realize I made active choices that no doubt had affect on my direction, I also fully contend that I am where He wants me to be. Am I the only one who has a hard time reconciling His plan for my life with what I had always envisioned my life would be like?

Rest assured a more than healthy amount of guilt comes with having that hard time. I don’t believe though that God is surprised by our inability to make His plan work with all of our expectations, desires, wants, or whatever you want to call them. I know assuredly that I am thankful that more than a few of my prayers were answered no. I prayed fervently that my ex would be the man I needed him to be…and that didn’t happen. It really couldn’t have happened; not because I do not think God could change him…He was the only one who could; but because I didn’t have near enough Gucci (or grocery) bags lying around to bring equal baggage to the relationship.

I do not want to be bogged down in the lonely hearts club - or have a pity party of one almost 30 year old, but that is my devastation. And I'm really not sure how to get past it. Maybe that will come with session 4.

Bible Study: Session 2

What a blessing this study is. Obviously, I am blessed by spending time in the word and with God, but I am also blessed by the fellowship of the ladies in our study. More than ever I am convinced there is more to it than my private worship and church attendance. I learn so much from those around me.

Doing the homework for week one, I had a light bulb moment that I shared with our group Monday night. There were a series of three questions. The first question had us read the story of Jacob and Rebekah's deceit of Isaac, and describe all they ways they manipulated him. The second had us compare that story with Abner's death in 2 Samuel and why David had peace. The third question - the one that tied it together asked how someone might feel who had tried controlling everything that they shouldn't. I wrote "anxious, suspicious, worrisome, stressed" and a few other words.

It hit me then, that the areas of my life where I experience the most worry and anxiety are the ones I have my fist gripped tightest around. They are the very ones I give to God in pieces...or give and take back when things are not happening by my timeline. Once I feel the anxiety and fear set in, the rest of the situation typically spirals until I am at my wit's end. But once I pray through it and hand it to God, I immediately feel peace.

It is powerful, albeit difficult for someone so independent, to realize the comfort that comes when I do not try so hard to be in control.

Along the same longs, I have had several reminders in the last few days of how God equips us to do His calling. The first reminder came in our homework, which lead me to read notes from a Beth Moore simulcast (she referenced 2 Timothy 3:17), and then today I received a devotional that said God equips those He calls. None of us can do it alone. But with Him equipping me, I can do exactly what He wants me to.

As a side note, I thought this was a wonderful definition of FAITH - A CONVICTION THAT HE CAN AND A HOPE THAT HE WILL.

Be blessed <><

101 Things About Me

I totally stole this from Katy...it was as fun as it was challenging...

1. I am a Christian.
2. I am a Baptist.
3. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, leader, friend and maybe adversary – not always in that order.
4. When I am most mad, I cry.
5. I hate that about me.
6. I love music of all kinds. - Really – check out my cd book.
7. Yes, I still own cd’s and holders for them and I keep them in my car.
8. I alphabetize them annually.
9. I also have an iPod.
10. But I don’t use it in my car.
11. I love to drive.
12. My birthday is all odd numbers in order (3-5-79).
13. That explains a lot about me.
14. I’m considering being 29 again instead of 30.
15. Life sure isn’t what I envisioned.
16. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
17. I bought a house when I was 25.
18. I sold it at 29.
19. I didn’t like living alone – especially at a time I felt the most lonely.
20. Gracefulness is not one of my gifts.
21. I have scars to prove it.
22. I love to dance.
23. I’m too self-conscious to do so in public.
24. Unless there is consumption of adult beverages.
25. I like sweeter drinks – white wine and fruity martinis.
26. I love root beer and orange soda.
27. I need to drink more water.
28. I like the smell of coffee, but cannot stand the taste.
29. My blonde hair, green eyes, and lack of ability to curl my tongue prove I am the recessive child.
30. These days, I pay for my blonde hair (though at one time it was totally natural).
31. I am passionate.
32. I am an advocate.
33. One of my best conversations lately occurred at about 2:30 a.m. and involved religion, homosexuality and people I’ve known for one night, 3 months and my whole life.
34. I can fight my own battles.
35. It’d be nice to have someone available to fight them for me every now and then.
36. I tend to be politically conservative.
37. That does not make me close minded. It does not mean I have not thought through why I believe the way I do, simply that after doing so, I came to the same conclusion.
38. I can have a respectful discussion about almost any topic.
39. Insulting/hurting my family in any capacity is off-limits.
40. I pray.
41. I love to read and always have.
42. I hate assigned reading.
43. I love Johnson & Johnson’s vapor bath for babies when I’m feeling under the weather. The “stink” of mentholatum is soothing.
44. I have a long-hair chihuahua named Cooper.
45. I had his name picked a good 4 years before I got him.
46. He is wonderful.
47. I plan to buy bamboo sheets from now on. Not because I’m terribly eco-conscious, but because they are soft and don’t pill.
48. It still irritates me that I paid $50 for 450 thread count cotton sheets and they pilled within a few months.
49. Hair grosses me out.
50. I love theatre.
51. I navigated NYC like a local in February 2008.
52. I had other tourists ask me for directions – and I could give them.
53. It was only my 2nd time to visit – and the 1st was 13 years prior.
54. I have my dad’s sense of direction.
55. I am a middle child.
56. I have lost the equivalent of a tall cheerleader, 3 1/3 five year olds, 4 three year olds or 6 one year olds.
57. In that losing, I have found a new voice.
58. I am better for it in ways less obvious than appearance.
59. I appreciate the journey so far and look forward to how it continues.
60. I apologize a lot for things that are my fault and for things that aren’t. I mean it when I say I’m sorry.
61. I need Christian, rugged, decisive, compassionate and funny. I also prefer tall. Is that too much to ask?
62. I don’t like the texture of coconut. It reminds me of hair. See # 49.
63. I enjoy live music. Most of the time even bad live music is good in the right venue.
64. Proverbs 31:25 is currently one of my favorite verses.
65. I’m also partial to Hebrews 13:2, Psalms 91:11 and Matthew 6:25-34 is forever bookmarked.
66. Ecclisiastes 1:18 was a writing prompt on a practice English AP exam when I was a junior in HS.
67. I have a freakishly good memory.
68. Traveling is one of my favorite things to do. I’m ready to go just about anywhere.
69. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get a passport.
70. I enjoy politics and current events.
71. I’m the Dir of HR for the company I work for.
72. I love my job.
73. Every night when I watch the news, I am that much more grateful for employment.
74. I was named after a Miss America contestant (maybe winner?).
75. I don’t have any siblings named after the other three seasons.
76. My biggest fear is not realizing my potential and living life fully.
77. My second biggest fear is heights.
78. I love roller coasters.
79. The quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me I can’t (within reason of course).
80. I don’t believe that having money means you have more class.
81. I respect and admire a long list of people. There is infinite room on that list.
82. I don’t put people on a pedestal. If they fell, it would be too hard for me.
83. I’m currently reading 3 different books.
84. I will most likely give up on one of them. I’ve been trying to read it for months and though I’m halfway through, I’ve yet to get interested.
85. Reading Cosmo is a guilty pleasure – and has been known to make me laugh until my sides hurt.
86. I really enjoy reading blogs. Other people’s lives are so interesting – I hope somedays that mine is equally entertaining.
87. I like to cook.
88. I hate to clean-up after cooking.
89. Most of the time, I enjoy being a girl.
90. Target is my favorite store.
91. I’ve made mistakes.
92. I learned from them though, so maybe I should call them lessons taught by choices.
93. I’m almost 30 and still single. Sometimes being bitter comes with that territory. 90% of the time though, I’m okay with waiting for marriage a little longer.
94. I like talk radio even Dr. Laura.
95. As independent and “modern” thinking as I am, I am equally old-fashioned.
96. I have enough black pants/skirts to last me two weeks without doing laundry.9
7. Some days, I just need color.
98. I love the sun and the beach.
99. I also enjoy rain.
100. I like dark rooms.
101. My niece and nephews are the most precious kids in the world.
102. I may be biased a little on 101.
103. I’ve cheated and added to the 101 things.
104. That’s the most rebelious thing I’ve done today, but not this week.

Your turn :-)

Bible Study: Week 1

We started a Bible Study at church last night and I can't say enough how excited I am about it. During the initial planning, several ladies had shared that there was previously a lack of participation. I do not think their goal was to discourage the idea, so much as it was to prepare me in a way that I wouldn't be disappointed.

All I have to say is...God showed us.

Wow! Originally, 18 books were purchased...then another 9 before Sunday giving us 27 total (for those who are not mathematically minded - a group I'm proudly in). When I walked into church Sunday night, I counted and we had 30 signed up. So the plan was for me to buy 7 more books Monday. Once at Lifeway, I felt compelled to buy 10 - for a total of 37 books (plus my leadership kit). I'm excited to say - we were short by 3. And that's with four ladies who had signed up missing. If all come to our next session, we will have 44 total participating.

Not that it is all about numbers - really my goal is to make a difference in the fellowship of the women of our church and community...but it's great to do that with such a good number of ladies. And the energy of our group is nothing short of spectacular. It was tangible the minute we were all gathered. A divine electricity. You could see all the stories and backgrounds represented, as well as all the hearts truly seeking God's will for their lives. Walking around the room - passing out items and doing some general milling around as dinner was devoured - I observed just how dynamic these women were. Awesome.

Our study is Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed - A Study of David written and presented by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. Each other tackles a different stage of David's life and teaches it from the perspective they have based on where they are. The study is designed to be multigenerational - which I think is wonderful.

In watching the video last night, I was struck teary when Shirer made a point about how we do not need an appointment to interact with God. It is so powerful to know that regardless of circumstance or appearance, the Almighty chose me to be His child and bless me with His grace and mercy. He doesn't care that I'm almost 30 (something I"m having a hard time dealing with), may have had a bad haircut, or that pimple that always sprouts at the exact wrong time - He still loves me and wants me. I'm so unworthy and grateful.

My prayer is that through this study we all grow in our relationship with God and each other. I pray that every goal/expectation is exceeded and needs are met that were not previously realized. I'm excited to see how things blossom over the remaining sessions/weeks and can only hope to leave each time feeling as exhilarated as I did last night. I have yet to stop smiling.

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