If self-doubt were an Olympic sport, I would win gold every time...

Why is that? Why are we so good at doubting our worth, abilities and actions?

When I changed my major in college to Management w/HR Emphasis from Accounting, I thought I would never have to deal with the IRS. Truthfully, they scare me big time. Everytime you hear the initials, they are so omnious. But alas, because my employer has a 401k, we are accountable to the IRS for ERISA and EBSA regulations. This means we file forms each year. These forms are prepared by a third party administrator and audited by our independent CPA, so I don't do much with them. I'm pretty much responsible for pulling files and answering CPA questions and putting the whole package in the mail. Easy enough, right?

Yeah, so explain the 45 minutes of tears (not all out hyperventalating, snot running crying...just tears) and profuse sweating - no sugar coating that it was heavy glistening - it was a thank goodness I wore black and good antipersperant today sweat this afternoon - if it is so easy.

I received my package at 3:30 - and it has to go out today. Thankfully, I can use a private delivery service so I didn't have to struggle to get it to the post office which is across town by 5. It comes with instructions that more less read:

Step 1: Sign pages x and y. I prefer my CEO sign them and he's out, but I'm authorized, so that's not a problem.

Step 2: Attach form 1234 that we sent you in July.

HOLD UP! I don't have form 1234. I can't remember getting it in July. I don't remember having it signed, putting it in the envelope and mailing it. GBF (Great Balls of Fire - I'm totally stealing this from one of our managers, but I love it!)! Was our extension not filed? The fine is $1,100 per day...I'm surely going to be fired and go to jail!

Start the shaking hands now...followed by fervered search through every piece of paper in my office...head to file room where I've boxed old information and search it...call our rep and leave my best attempt at sounding calm voicemail...email our rep and document preparer...tell my boss - who just encourages me to breathe and trusts the entire time it is all okay and as it should be...call rep again...bypass voicemail and select prompt to connect to nationwide customer service. Thankfully, the hold time wasn't long. It took all I had to say my name, company information and situation while keeping my voice steady.

He looks...sees my extension request...looks some more...puts me on hold...comes back and apologizes for his computer system running slow - I told him it was fine. It was giving me more time to pray. He laughed a short laugh before realizing I was not kidding. We go back and forth a bit more - he finds the extension but may have to request a copy of form 1234 elsewhere which will take a minimum of one business day.

I quickly explain how that is not good enough as the package had to go out today and I just received it at 3:30 this afternoon. My notice was short enough to begin with without having problems. He tries contacting other people with no luck. He then asks if I received a confirmation letter from the IRS. I replied that it had been 3 months and I couldn't recite the mail I received yesterday (which is not entirely true).

He then asked if I was sure hte form wasn't included in my package. I said, it wasnt indicated that way by the instructions, and I had looked through for my places to sign, but I hadn't gone through page by page. He asked me to humor him (like that's what I felt like doing at that moment) and flip through the documents. And, you may have guessed it, the stupid form was the 3rd page from the last in the packet. I believe my exact words, "crap, it was here the whole time - I'm so sorry and really appreciate your help." He laughed - bless his good sported heart!

I called my boss and told her too. She laughed as well. And more or less that she knew it was taken care of because it would be so unlike me for it to fall through. And also that I was too anal retentive about the instructions that I didn't see past them. I told her I knew I didn't have the form and the adrenaline filled panic wouldn't let me see past jail time and unemployment.

And she's right. I make my share of mistakes - but things like this don't fall through the cracks with me. I'm almost OCD about rules, steps and processes (or maybe I am). Why is it easier for others to have more faith in us than it is for us to have faith in ourselves? I know my track record. When will I ever be good enough for me?

PS...I started this earlier and thought the title clever...now I see the contradiction and like it even better.

Irregular

Is there anyone out there still interested in reading my words? I really want to write more, but most days, I'm sick of the computer by the time I get home. Or, I talk myself out of writing - because when the "new" of a thought or situation wheres off, I am not convinced it is all that interesting. Such a dilemma!

My friend, Alissa, recently posted about wrong prices at the grocery store and it reminded me of an experience with Old Navy last May. Yeah, I know it's been 5 months and I'm really over it (as evidenced by the money I've spent there since), but I just had to share.

I went to get bathing suits for my niece and nephews while they were on sale. They were coming to stay with us in June for a few days and I like to have surprises for them - it really helps the days go by positively. And it's totally my job as their aunt to spoil them. Anyway, the swimsuits were on sale the weekend following my granddad's passing. Which, in hindsight, was not a good time to be shopping. But I also deal with hard things by keeping my life as normal as possible, so it was truly some retail therapy.

After locating the perfect bathing suits, I decided to get flip-flops for my niece and older nephew (the youngest really can't walk in them quite yet) since they are two for $5. I get to the check out and the girl tells me that because they are for different genders, they will not ring up as two pair for $5 (they rang up as $3.50 per pair). I just smiled and told her that was a ridiculous enough policy, I was going to need to speak to her manager.

She called the manager over and explained the situation. The manager immediately agrees to override the price. I'm a totally happy customer...and things would have remained that way, except she then felt the need to comment further. She goes on to tell me that she really shouldn't override the price because it was a corporate policy. I told her the policy was ludicrous since there was not a single sign posted that stated that flip-flops had to be of the same gender to qualify for the 2 for $5 deal. The signs read Flip Flops for Family - 2 for $5. She proceeded to argue with me - mind you all this after she has already changed the price. It was so backwards and ridiculous. I finally told her that the corporate policy was false advertising and that could be reported to the SEC (not that I have time to go there - but it could be), and I appreciated that she had her customer's best interest at heart and did the right thing. That finally quieted her.

Why do those dealings have to be such a mess?

Next up...I plan to copy Lacy and Kristen and do my version of I always, I sometimes and I never...though because I apparently am non-committal, it will likely be I often, I sometimes and I hardly ever...hehe!

In 1990...

My sister graduated High School, I finished fifth grade and my brother completed 3rd grade.

On August 2, Iraq invaded Kuwait and I had my tonsils removed.

The top 10 songs were:

10. All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You - Heart
9. Poison - Bell Biv Devoe
8. Epic - Faith No More
7. Humpty Dance - Digital Underground
6. Escapade - Janet Jackson
5. U Can't Touch This - M.C. Hammer
4. Vision of Love - Mariah Carey
3. Groove is in the Heart - Deee-Lite
2. Vogue - Madonna
1. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor

And this was my 11th birthday party...

Wow - We've come a long way! Tonight, I go to bed more thankful than ever for contact lenses and good memories!

In Defense of Fake-Baking (or real baking since I have been known to do both)...

Recently, a person whom I respect deeply (and they hopefully know this) commented on the practice of utilizing tanning beds. The comment was that it was an act of vanity too deep for them to understand – or something along those lines. I’m paraphrasing – so as to not convict the innocent and because frankly, I’ve slept since then – but the gist is there. To follow the statement, this person, whom I deeply respect, went on to say that if that same person would spend as much time in the Word as they do tanning, they would be better inside for it. I will concede that my life would be enriched by reading and praying for those 30 minutes a day, 3 or 4 times per week, 6-8 weeks out of the year, that I typically spend tanning. I will also allow that that enriching time would likely improve me inside and better my heart as well.

But in my defense (not that I really felt attacked – just generally – haha, oh who am I kidding - I really just needed a blog topic), all the things I (and bagillions of other people) do to better my outsides including tanning, wearing make-up, cutting/highlighting my hair, shaving, etc. could also be argued equally as time wasted. They are things that come with living in this society - a society who celebrates and values skinny, tan, and smooth-skin more than it does a good heart or disposition (not that I am claiming to have either of those).

So do I tan because I’m vain? Maybe a little bit, but not completely. Do I get more compliments when my skin is a little darker? Yes. Do those compliments (and any others) boost my self-confidence? Of course they do. Do I need that? Sadly, some days I do. I wear make-up, shave, and even exercise for some of the same reasons. I know throwing exercise in there may trip some up. We should exercise to be healthier and maintain our temples better. I know that. But if I’m going to be perfectly honest, all my dieting and exercise efforts the last two years to lose the weight I’ve lost (and work to continue to lose) were not even mostly about being healthier. They were about looking better. Why else do people exercise, cut and/or style their hair, wear certain clothes, etc?

I’ve spent the better part of my 30 years, 5 months and 6 days (but who’s counting?) overweight, pale, and alone. I’m sick of it. Plain and simple. So to change my alone status, I’ve committed to do things that hopefully shape up and improve my outside. Those are the things I have control over. The fact of the matter is that guys are not immediately attracted to a good heart. They don’t cross the room to talk to a good heart. They don’t ask out a good heart without regard for the heart’s vessel. So I perform these acts of vanity to increase my marketability. The market for 30+ and single is really tight – especially in this area. Most people live here because it is a good place to raise a family. Being that I also do not frequent the area adult watering holes, the number of fish in my pond is drastically reduced (although the bar scene would also likely be full of 20-somethings looking for younger and hotter too). The dating pool is shallow – in all senses of the word.

Wrong as it may be, first impressions are aesthetic, and the facade of me is a work in progress. Additionally, a good heart is not always enough either. (And yes I realize that I keep saying that assuming one would appraise my heart as good.) Sure you can ask how that’s working for me, and I’d have to answer, not at all, but it wasn’t working for me before either. At least this way, no one can say I don’t make any effort.

Gotta run – my tan is fading from the indoor lighting…haha!

This week...

Not that anyone will necessarily notice a hiatus - being that I'm such a consistent blogger and all (haha!) -, but today through Thursday, I will be here. And for someone who has never enjoyed sweating (hence my one year relationships with soccer, basketball and softball), I am more excited than you would ever imagine.

This is the second mission trip for my mom and me. Last year, we were in Harlingen when Hurricane Dolly hit. Even with the hurricane (or maybe as a result), I came home with a new and renewed love for my fellow mission trippers - as well as a peace that comes with knowing I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Last year, our time was split between building/repairing/painting houses in Indian Hills - a community outside of Harlingen. This year, it appears all of our time will be spent working on rebuilding a gutted house, and loving people through our actions.

I will post updates and pics on Facebook from my phone. If you're the prayinhg sort, please say a few for us, our work and those for whom (grammar police??) we are rebuilding.

As much as I dream of a week in Tahiti or Bora Bora, I can't imagine spending my vacation anywhere else.

PS - My mom and I are also flying to NM to visit a friend of hers for the weekend - so I will have plenty of R&R on my days off! :-)

Cartoon Freeze Tag

I'm copying this from Katy and Kristin and thought it would be a good break for my blogger's block...

1. Do you like blue cheese? The actual cheese, yes…the dressing, no.

2. Have you ever smoked? Not habitually

3. Do you own a gun? I have guns that are mine but not exactly in my possession. My dad has collected several through the years for us to have as collector’s items (mine is a really pretty blue barrel .357 w/the DPS seal on it) as well as a few from various suppliers (doesn’t that sound shady?) that can be used.

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was your favorite? Grape…or red…any flavor as long as it’s red.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointment? Depends why I’m going…

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Had a good one last night – cooked on the grill is best

7. Favorite Holiday Movie? A Christmas Story…mostly because it’s something we’ve watched every year – to the vexation of many family members.

8. Favorite thing to drink in the morning? Cherry Dr. Pepper from Sonic, or Coke

9. Can you do push ups? Multiple? I’m getting there…

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I have several sentimental pieces, but my favorite is a birth stone ring I bought with a gift after my g’parents passed away…it’s beautiful and delicate like I wish I were…haha. Seriously, it will always remind me of them.

11. What's your favorite hobby? Reading, movies and music…

12. Do you have A.D.D? I prefer to say I excel at multi-tasking…Do you know a question they ask to assess this is whether or not you wear short socks…I have yet to understand how that relates.

13. What trait do you hate about yourself? I have more faith in others and in their lives working out than I do in myself and/or my life.

14. Middle Name? Dawn…like the time of day…I used to think it came from one of the drug dogs at DPS…but it didn’t.

15. Name 3 thoughts this exact moment:
A. I need to read, finish laundry, vacuum, and clean tonight
B. I would rather sit, watch tv, and have a moments’ peace instead
C. I’ve been wondering if God’s will is absolute or do we have influence through prayer? Thoughts anyone?

16. What do you read in the bathroom? I don’t…but I used to read in the bathtub.

17. Current Worry? See thought 3

18. Current hate right now? None really…if I had to pick one, I’d go with coconut.

19. Favorite place to be? Here:

 

20. How did you bring in the New Year? In Bryan at my sister’s…she had a bunch of friends over, we had a fire pit in the driveway and a good time

21. Where would you like to go? Tahiti sounds good…or Greece

22 . Name three people who will complete this? I’m not sure 3 people read my blog…so we’ll see :-)

23. Do you own slippers? Several pair…but I end up wearing flip-flops most of the time

24. What shirt are you wearing? A green one – it’s got an olive and darker olive filigree design

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I have not tried it…but I would likely still prefer my bamboo. They rock!

26. Can you whistle? Better than Rex (but his is so stinkin’ cute!)

27. Favorite color? Red, Maroon and Navy blue

28. Would you be a pirate? Not so much…I do well to walk with the legs I have minus pegs and planks.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I’m not a shower singer…

30. What is your favorite name? Makayla has always been at the top of my list

31. Favorite boy's name? Thomas Reed

32. What's in your pocket right now? I’m pocketless – a rare occurrence

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Katy

34. What vehicle do you drive? mine

35. Worst injury you've ever had? I broke my wrist at the skating rink in 5th grade…Rolling Thunder broke lots of bones (that was the rink, not my nick-name).

36. How many TVs are in your house? 3

WHAT HAPPENED TO 37? Sick day

38. What is your best memory as a child? I have too many to choose a best…

39. Do you have any pets? Cooper – the best Chihuahua ever (except last Saturday when he decided to channel his inner cow dog and rolled in cow chips…he was not the best)

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Magic 8 ball said, “Definitely.” I don’t believe it.

41. Your favorite books? Mysteries, legal thrillers, romance – but not the oogie harlequin ones

42. Do you collect anything? Not intentionally

43. Favorite sports team? Aggies and Cowboys

44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Sweet Sweet Spirit

TAG, you're it: anyone who hasn't already done this

It's been 28 days since my last post...

And I am still pretty much at a loss for words. Sure, I have plenty I could say, but really I'm not sure anyone wants to read it. Unless you suffer from insomnia. Then it might be helpful.

So, I'll give a quick run-down of the things I've done in the last 4 weeks...

We had my granddad's funeral May 5th. It was a great an honorable service. He would have been proud. Initially, my dad and his siblings were leaning towards not having the honor guard at the cemetery. I'm glad they changed their minds. I made a video on my digital camera - and as soon as I have time to figure out how to post it, I probably will. I am sure there will be those who feel it's irreverent or inappropriate and that's okay with me. Know why? My grandfather fought in WWII so we have the freedom to disagree.

Each year I travel for work. I visit all of our facilities (30 in 3 states this year) to present our benefits information as well as meet our staff. It's a good break in my norm, and I really enjoy visiting with our employees. So far, I have visited a total of 18 facilities, so I am a little over halfway done. I am spending the next week in the office so I can help with our invoicing, and then it will be off to the races again. The last few weeks of my travels are to our further away locations, so while I visit fewer locations, the travel is still pretty extensive.

On May 24th, my dad presented his testimony to our church. It was an incredible service. In a twist of fate (which for me means by God's ordination), it just so happened that my mom and another member were singing the special song. I had asked my dad if he would ask if I could pray as well, so it was a family affair. I managed to not cry big tears through his testimony until he got to talking about last November. He has been in many dangerous situations for his job(s), but given my age and cognisance of those events, they didn't hit me the way November's shooting did (and still does - since the investigation is ongoing and has yet to go before the grand jury - a formality of course, but one that feels like is DRAGGING!).

This weekend we went to my second cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony in the Armstrong Browning Library on Baylor's campus (Bryan folks - do y'all remember going on a field trip there? I'm trying to remember what grade we were in), and the reception was in the Roosevelt building downtown. It was elegant and classy and all of those things a girl dreams of for her wedding day. In spite of all of that (or maybe because of it), I pretty much lost it after the cake cutting and couldn't stop the crocodile tears from flowing.

God love my sister though, she took notice and subtly decided it was time for us to go. We did a little convenience store shopping, and hung out at the hot tub with my brother's family for a while. Then the bridal party (the family parts of it anyway) joined us and we had a good time just chatting. All's well that end's well, huh?