A Post With A Disclaimer

Disclaimer: I've always heard it is bad luck to let anything from the previous year linger into the new year. So, with that in mind, I'm cleaning out my thought closet by putting them here. If you choose to skip this one, so be it...if you choose to continue, do so knowing that it's long, at times pitiful and most likely not well organized. Here's to leaving the old behind and hoping to feel more hopeful in 2010. Happy New Year!

It’s always too long between posts and while I feel an obligation to apologize, and would sincerely mean said apology, well, really there is no excuse and perhaps then an apology would be undermining at best. To be honest, I’ve been blue. I’m sure it can be attributed to the season and circumstances, but I really did not want to subject anyone to that. Partially because I don’t want to be the whiny, depressed, negative, sad blogger, and partially because if I choose to read old blogs, I didn’t want all that’s been in my head the last couple of months to be living on. The quandary there is that since I’m not getting all of that out of my brain, I’m also not moving on.

My last thought when I get in bed each night and my 2nd thought (after doing the math/planning required to hit snooze one more time) when I wake in the morning is here I go again alone (not to be confused with Here I Go Again On My Own as sung by the gloriously talented Whitesnake). I know I’m blessed to be surrounded by family, coworkers and friends who care about me – and don’t mistake my pity party as being ungrateful for them – I’m very grateful, but at the end of the day, they all have their spouses, their children, and their own lives. I don’t.

From the first jewelry commercial of November through my birthday, life is hard. It’s more about survival than enjoyment. It’s about getting through a day without feeling that aching hole inside or that burning tingle that warns tears will soon follow. Everything about this time of year screams if you don’t have someone to love you (and to love back), you’re nobody. Each 30 second spot from Kay, Jarrod, Zales, etc. is a punch in the gut reminding me that I don’t have anyone to buy me diamond earrings, a tennis bracelet, or the latest in necklaces celebrating how far we’ve come and how committed we are to the future. There’s no we for me and that’s a problem.

When it comes to most problems, I’m pretty good at assessing the situation and seeing a solution. For this one, I can’t seem to figure out how to fix it. I’ve changed me in more ways than I can list – and some have been pretty significant – I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, totally changed my hair color (though I’m pretty certain that hasn’t been an issue), worked on making a better first impression by stepping out of my quiet, sit back and watch comfort zone (especially after a friend said it’s possible my problem is that it takes more than one interaction with me to like me), stuck my neck out with online dating and agreed to a blind date with a friend’s brother. Guess what? Still single.

I won’t go back to the internet stuff. For one, I’ve always seen the process as more organic than that, and two, well, no one there really showed a great amount of interest in me – and can I tell you that feeling like no one in all the internet could possibly want to date you sucks? As far as the blind date goes, well, I can’t explain why that didn’t work. We talked a good bit (but not too much) before meeting (again – I’d met him 8 years ago when the friend and I were in college, but I doubt he remembers). We seemed to agree on most important moral issues and interests (except college football – but even that was something we could agree to disagree on). We had a good first date, albeit a little eventful with a busted radiator – but I thought I handled that well because he called before I even got out of the city limits to invite me to game night with his family the next week, then we talked the next week and he asked me out to dinner again for the following week. I went to game night and we all had a great time – his mom has always liked me so that’s gotta count for something too. As I headed home, he called before I was out of the neighboring town to thank me for coming and say he had a good time…and that was the last time he called me. I called him Sunday following (swallowing pride and breaking those stupid rules printed in The Rules) and thought things were normal. I didn’t hear from him Monday, but I knew he was going Christmas shopping. I texted to check in Tuesday and then I stopped being the one initiating communication. And that was it.

And while I can’t say there were feelings there – there was potential. I really thought things were great and that there was a real possibility this could be something good. I know the crazy process allows for all of this and for whatever reason, it’s been my experience that when someone isn’t interested in me, they just walk away instead of having a conversation about it. The problem there is that I don’t get any sort of feedback that gives me an idea of what I should be doing different, nor do I get any real closure. And whether it be the timing or the overwhelming feelings that come with unanswered questions and total rejection, the loss of the potential has thrown me for a loop. I’m usually very resilient – seriously, this sort of thing has happened more than my pride cares to admit – and I bounce back just fine. Not so much this time.

I have always loved to rock Christmas music 24-7 from the day after Thanksgiving through Christmas day. This year, I’ve rocked little more than the angry 90s music found on XM’s Lithium. Nothing says joyful holidays like Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins. I don’t have too much to say – and feel like most of what I am saying lately is a façade. People ask how I am – and I’m fine/great/good or some combination thereof. Seriously, do people want to know the truth to that question? Some days are good – but even those good days typically end with the same final thought when I go to bed. I’m alone and no one loves me (in that romantic way – I know my parents and family love me) and I need to accept that may be permanent.

That thought alone breaks my heart more than I have words to express. Even more heartbreaking is how much those feelings are making me doubt my faith.

Our sermon yesterday was about what kind of people we were. There were categories we discussed and our pastor made a point by asking what your obituary would say. Now I know what the facts of my obituary would say – my age, where I lived, what I did, and who survived me. But he raised the question about what others would say about the type of person I was. For some reason, that connected back to something I read in a blog in July. A local person had passed away (I didn’t know him – but I know people who did). When speaking of the arrangements in a blog, the author wrote “He was a congenial, warm-spirited man who somehow never married.” Those words struck me when I read them and have stayed with me almost 6 months now. I wonder if people would use the phrase “somehow never married” or would it be more along the lines of “obviously never married.” Are people who know me, knew me or who I meet surprised I’m single or do they think of course she is alone?

I know I’m rambling…and I’m sure there are tiny violins playing the world’s saddest song just for me. I do my best to not lose sight of how blessed and fortunate I am. I know there are people who truly have no one, others without a roof over their head and 85+ pairs of shoes in their closet. I know many would trade problems with me in an instant and I’m sure if we piled them up, I’d prefer to keep my own. I know that part of what hurts so bad is that I haven’t been able to meet my self-created deadlines for how life should be. But even those come from a logical place – there are lots of statistics about fertility decline past a certain age and more often than not I hear Mary Jo Shively’s voice saying a woman has a greater chance of being struck by lightning than getting married after 35. Silly, huh? Especially since I have about 4 years until I hit 35. But it’s also been 5 years since my last relationship ended – and there was a 2 year gap between that one and the one prior. So my history doesn’t exactly make for warm fuzzy feelings that anything is happening in my immediate future.

I know we can’t measure God’s love for us and that it isn’t fair to think because He doesn’t give us what we ask for he doesn’t love us. I know that in my head, but you see, I’m having a really hard time right now convincing my heart. I don’t know how to fix my problem and I don’t trust when others tell me I’ll find someone. No one knows whether or not that is in my future except for Him.

It seems all I can do is my best to focus my thoughts and energies elsewhere, stay busy at work, count the blessings I have and get through each day. I want to end this with a high note, but I’m just not sure what that would be. Any advice (unless it is going to make me feel worse, haha) and prayers would be appreciated.

Oh, I know a high note – I made these creamed mushrooms Christmas Eve and they were wonderful. Nothing like cream and wine to smooth things over for an evening.

If self-doubt were an Olympic sport, I would win gold every time...

Why is that? Why are we so good at doubting our worth, abilities and actions?

When I changed my major in college to Management w/HR Emphasis from Accounting, I thought I would never have to deal with the IRS. Truthfully, they scare me big time. Everytime you hear the initials, they are so omnious. But alas, because my employer has a 401k, we are accountable to the IRS for ERISA and EBSA regulations. This means we file forms each year. These forms are prepared by a third party administrator and audited by our independent CPA, so I don't do much with them. I'm pretty much responsible for pulling files and answering CPA questions and putting the whole package in the mail. Easy enough, right?

Yeah, so explain the 45 minutes of tears (not all out hyperventalating, snot running crying...just tears) and profuse sweating - no sugar coating that it was heavy glistening - it was a thank goodness I wore black and good antipersperant today sweat this afternoon - if it is so easy.

I received my package at 3:30 - and it has to go out today. Thankfully, I can use a private delivery service so I didn't have to struggle to get it to the post office which is across town by 5. It comes with instructions that more less read:

Step 1: Sign pages x and y. I prefer my CEO sign them and he's out, but I'm authorized, so that's not a problem.

Step 2: Attach form 1234 that we sent you in July.

HOLD UP! I don't have form 1234. I can't remember getting it in July. I don't remember having it signed, putting it in the envelope and mailing it. GBF (Great Balls of Fire - I'm totally stealing this from one of our managers, but I love it!)! Was our extension not filed? The fine is $1,100 per day...I'm surely going to be fired and go to jail!

Start the shaking hands now...followed by fervered search through every piece of paper in my office...head to file room where I've boxed old information and search it...call our rep and leave my best attempt at sounding calm voicemail...email our rep and document preparer...tell my boss - who just encourages me to breathe and trusts the entire time it is all okay and as it should be...call rep again...bypass voicemail and select prompt to connect to nationwide customer service. Thankfully, the hold time wasn't long. It took all I had to say my name, company information and situation while keeping my voice steady.

He looks...sees my extension request...looks some more...puts me on hold...comes back and apologizes for his computer system running slow - I told him it was fine. It was giving me more time to pray. He laughed a short laugh before realizing I was not kidding. We go back and forth a bit more - he finds the extension but may have to request a copy of form 1234 elsewhere which will take a minimum of one business day.

I quickly explain how that is not good enough as the package had to go out today and I just received it at 3:30 this afternoon. My notice was short enough to begin with without having problems. He tries contacting other people with no luck. He then asks if I received a confirmation letter from the IRS. I replied that it had been 3 months and I couldn't recite the mail I received yesterday (which is not entirely true).

He then asked if I was sure hte form wasn't included in my package. I said, it wasnt indicated that way by the instructions, and I had looked through for my places to sign, but I hadn't gone through page by page. He asked me to humor him (like that's what I felt like doing at that moment) and flip through the documents. And, you may have guessed it, the stupid form was the 3rd page from the last in the packet. I believe my exact words, "crap, it was here the whole time - I'm so sorry and really appreciate your help." He laughed - bless his good sported heart!

I called my boss and told her too. She laughed as well. And more or less that she knew it was taken care of because it would be so unlike me for it to fall through. And also that I was too anal retentive about the instructions that I didn't see past them. I told her I knew I didn't have the form and the adrenaline filled panic wouldn't let me see past jail time and unemployment.

And she's right. I make my share of mistakes - but things like this don't fall through the cracks with me. I'm almost OCD about rules, steps and processes (or maybe I am). Why is it easier for others to have more faith in us than it is for us to have faith in ourselves? I know my track record. When will I ever be good enough for me?

PS...I started this earlier and thought the title clever...now I see the contradiction and like it even better.

Irregular

Is there anyone out there still interested in reading my words? I really want to write more, but most days, I'm sick of the computer by the time I get home. Or, I talk myself out of writing - because when the "new" of a thought or situation wheres off, I am not convinced it is all that interesting. Such a dilemma!

My friend, Alissa, recently posted about wrong prices at the grocery store and it reminded me of an experience with Old Navy last May. Yeah, I know it's been 5 months and I'm really over it (as evidenced by the money I've spent there since), but I just had to share.

I went to get bathing suits for my niece and nephews while they were on sale. They were coming to stay with us in June for a few days and I like to have surprises for them - it really helps the days go by positively. And it's totally my job as their aunt to spoil them. Anyway, the swimsuits were on sale the weekend following my granddad's passing. Which, in hindsight, was not a good time to be shopping. But I also deal with hard things by keeping my life as normal as possible, so it was truly some retail therapy.

After locating the perfect bathing suits, I decided to get flip-flops for my niece and older nephew (the youngest really can't walk in them quite yet) since they are two for $5. I get to the check out and the girl tells me that because they are for different genders, they will not ring up as two pair for $5 (they rang up as $3.50 per pair). I just smiled and told her that was a ridiculous enough policy, I was going to need to speak to her manager.

She called the manager over and explained the situation. The manager immediately agrees to override the price. I'm a totally happy customer...and things would have remained that way, except she then felt the need to comment further. She goes on to tell me that she really shouldn't override the price because it was a corporate policy. I told her the policy was ludicrous since there was not a single sign posted that stated that flip-flops had to be of the same gender to qualify for the 2 for $5 deal. The signs read Flip Flops for Family - 2 for $5. She proceeded to argue with me - mind you all this after she has already changed the price. It was so backwards and ridiculous. I finally told her that the corporate policy was false advertising and that could be reported to the SEC (not that I have time to go there - but it could be), and I appreciated that she had her customer's best interest at heart and did the right thing. That finally quieted her.

Why do those dealings have to be such a mess?

Next up...I plan to copy Lacy and Kristen and do my version of I always, I sometimes and I never...though because I apparently am non-committal, it will likely be I often, I sometimes and I hardly ever...hehe!

In 1990...

My sister graduated High School, I finished fifth grade and my brother completed 3rd grade.

On August 2, Iraq invaded Kuwait and I had my tonsils removed.

The top 10 songs were:

10. All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You - Heart
9. Poison - Bell Biv Devoe
8. Epic - Faith No More
7. Humpty Dance - Digital Underground
6. Escapade - Janet Jackson
5. U Can't Touch This - M.C. Hammer
4. Vision of Love - Mariah Carey
3. Groove is in the Heart - Deee-Lite
2. Vogue - Madonna
1. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O'Connor

And this was my 11th birthday party...

Wow - We've come a long way! Tonight, I go to bed more thankful than ever for contact lenses and good memories!

In Defense of Fake-Baking (or real baking since I have been known to do both)...

Recently, a person whom I respect deeply (and they hopefully know this) commented on the practice of utilizing tanning beds. The comment was that it was an act of vanity too deep for them to understand – or something along those lines. I’m paraphrasing – so as to not convict the innocent and because frankly, I’ve slept since then – but the gist is there. To follow the statement, this person, whom I deeply respect, went on to say that if that same person would spend as much time in the Word as they do tanning, they would be better inside for it. I will concede that my life would be enriched by reading and praying for those 30 minutes a day, 3 or 4 times per week, 6-8 weeks out of the year, that I typically spend tanning. I will also allow that that enriching time would likely improve me inside and better my heart as well.

But in my defense (not that I really felt attacked – just generally – haha, oh who am I kidding - I really just needed a blog topic), all the things I (and bagillions of other people) do to better my outsides including tanning, wearing make-up, cutting/highlighting my hair, shaving, etc. could also be argued equally as time wasted. They are things that come with living in this society - a society who celebrates and values skinny, tan, and smooth-skin more than it does a good heart or disposition (not that I am claiming to have either of those).

So do I tan because I’m vain? Maybe a little bit, but not completely. Do I get more compliments when my skin is a little darker? Yes. Do those compliments (and any others) boost my self-confidence? Of course they do. Do I need that? Sadly, some days I do. I wear make-up, shave, and even exercise for some of the same reasons. I know throwing exercise in there may trip some up. We should exercise to be healthier and maintain our temples better. I know that. But if I’m going to be perfectly honest, all my dieting and exercise efforts the last two years to lose the weight I’ve lost (and work to continue to lose) were not even mostly about being healthier. They were about looking better. Why else do people exercise, cut and/or style their hair, wear certain clothes, etc?

I’ve spent the better part of my 30 years, 5 months and 6 days (but who’s counting?) overweight, pale, and alone. I’m sick of it. Plain and simple. So to change my alone status, I’ve committed to do things that hopefully shape up and improve my outside. Those are the things I have control over. The fact of the matter is that guys are not immediately attracted to a good heart. They don’t cross the room to talk to a good heart. They don’t ask out a good heart without regard for the heart’s vessel. So I perform these acts of vanity to increase my marketability. The market for 30+ and single is really tight – especially in this area. Most people live here because it is a good place to raise a family. Being that I also do not frequent the area adult watering holes, the number of fish in my pond is drastically reduced (although the bar scene would also likely be full of 20-somethings looking for younger and hotter too). The dating pool is shallow – in all senses of the word.

Wrong as it may be, first impressions are aesthetic, and the facade of me is a work in progress. Additionally, a good heart is not always enough either. (And yes I realize that I keep saying that assuming one would appraise my heart as good.) Sure you can ask how that’s working for me, and I’d have to answer, not at all, but it wasn’t working for me before either. At least this way, no one can say I don’t make any effort.

Gotta run – my tan is fading from the indoor lighting…haha!

This week...

Not that anyone will necessarily notice a hiatus - being that I'm such a consistent blogger and all (haha!) -, but today through Thursday, I will be here. And for someone who has never enjoyed sweating (hence my one year relationships with soccer, basketball and softball), I am more excited than you would ever imagine.

This is the second mission trip for my mom and me. Last year, we were in Harlingen when Hurricane Dolly hit. Even with the hurricane (or maybe as a result), I came home with a new and renewed love for my fellow mission trippers - as well as a peace that comes with knowing I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Last year, our time was split between building/repairing/painting houses in Indian Hills - a community outside of Harlingen. This year, it appears all of our time will be spent working on rebuilding a gutted house, and loving people through our actions.

I will post updates and pics on Facebook from my phone. If you're the prayinhg sort, please say a few for us, our work and those for whom (grammar police??) we are rebuilding.

As much as I dream of a week in Tahiti or Bora Bora, I can't imagine spending my vacation anywhere else.

PS - My mom and I are also flying to NM to visit a friend of hers for the weekend - so I will have plenty of R&R on my days off! :-)

Cartoon Freeze Tag

I'm copying this from Katy and Kristin and thought it would be a good break for my blogger's block...

1. Do you like blue cheese? The actual cheese, yes…the dressing, no.

2. Have you ever smoked? Not habitually

3. Do you own a gun? I have guns that are mine but not exactly in my possession. My dad has collected several through the years for us to have as collector’s items (mine is a really pretty blue barrel .357 w/the DPS seal on it) as well as a few from various suppliers (doesn’t that sound shady?) that can be used.

4. What flavor of Kool-Aid was your favorite? Grape…or red…any flavor as long as it’s red.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointment? Depends why I’m going…

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Had a good one last night – cooked on the grill is best

7. Favorite Holiday Movie? A Christmas Story…mostly because it’s something we’ve watched every year – to the vexation of many family members.

8. Favorite thing to drink in the morning? Cherry Dr. Pepper from Sonic, or Coke

9. Can you do push ups? Multiple? I’m getting there…

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I have several sentimental pieces, but my favorite is a birth stone ring I bought with a gift after my g’parents passed away…it’s beautiful and delicate like I wish I were…haha. Seriously, it will always remind me of them.

11. What's your favorite hobby? Reading, movies and music…

12. Do you have A.D.D? I prefer to say I excel at multi-tasking…Do you know a question they ask to assess this is whether or not you wear short socks…I have yet to understand how that relates.

13. What trait do you hate about yourself? I have more faith in others and in their lives working out than I do in myself and/or my life.

14. Middle Name? Dawn…like the time of day…I used to think it came from one of the drug dogs at DPS…but it didn’t.

15. Name 3 thoughts this exact moment:
A. I need to read, finish laundry, vacuum, and clean tonight
B. I would rather sit, watch tv, and have a moments’ peace instead
C. I’ve been wondering if God’s will is absolute or do we have influence through prayer? Thoughts anyone?

16. What do you read in the bathroom? I don’t…but I used to read in the bathtub.

17. Current Worry? See thought 3

18. Current hate right now? None really…if I had to pick one, I’d go with coconut.

19. Favorite place to be? Here:

 

20. How did you bring in the New Year? In Bryan at my sister’s…she had a bunch of friends over, we had a fire pit in the driveway and a good time

21. Where would you like to go? Tahiti sounds good…or Greece

22 . Name three people who will complete this? I’m not sure 3 people read my blog…so we’ll see :-)

23. Do you own slippers? Several pair…but I end up wearing flip-flops most of the time

24. What shirt are you wearing? A green one – it’s got an olive and darker olive filigree design

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I have not tried it…but I would likely still prefer my bamboo. They rock!

26. Can you whistle? Better than Rex (but his is so stinkin’ cute!)

27. Favorite color? Red, Maroon and Navy blue

28. Would you be a pirate? Not so much…I do well to walk with the legs I have minus pegs and planks.

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? I’m not a shower singer…

30. What is your favorite name? Makayla has always been at the top of my list

31. Favorite boy's name? Thomas Reed

32. What's in your pocket right now? I’m pocketless – a rare occurrence

33. Last thing that made you laugh? Katy

34. What vehicle do you drive? mine

35. Worst injury you've ever had? I broke my wrist at the skating rink in 5th grade…Rolling Thunder broke lots of bones (that was the rink, not my nick-name).

36. How many TVs are in your house? 3

WHAT HAPPENED TO 37? Sick day

38. What is your best memory as a child? I have too many to choose a best…

39. Do you have any pets? Cooper – the best Chihuahua ever (except last Saturday when he decided to channel his inner cow dog and rolled in cow chips…he was not the best)

40. Does someone have a crush on you? Magic 8 ball said, “Definitely.” I don’t believe it.

41. Your favorite books? Mysteries, legal thrillers, romance – but not the oogie harlequin ones

42. Do you collect anything? Not intentionally

43. Favorite sports team? Aggies and Cowboys

44. What song do you want played at your funeral? Sweet Sweet Spirit

TAG, you're it: anyone who hasn't already done this

It's been 28 days since my last post...

And I am still pretty much at a loss for words. Sure, I have plenty I could say, but really I'm not sure anyone wants to read it. Unless you suffer from insomnia. Then it might be helpful.

So, I'll give a quick run-down of the things I've done in the last 4 weeks...

We had my granddad's funeral May 5th. It was a great an honorable service. He would have been proud. Initially, my dad and his siblings were leaning towards not having the honor guard at the cemetery. I'm glad they changed their minds. I made a video on my digital camera - and as soon as I have time to figure out how to post it, I probably will. I am sure there will be those who feel it's irreverent or inappropriate and that's okay with me. Know why? My grandfather fought in WWII so we have the freedom to disagree.

Each year I travel for work. I visit all of our facilities (30 in 3 states this year) to present our benefits information as well as meet our staff. It's a good break in my norm, and I really enjoy visiting with our employees. So far, I have visited a total of 18 facilities, so I am a little over halfway done. I am spending the next week in the office so I can help with our invoicing, and then it will be off to the races again. The last few weeks of my travels are to our further away locations, so while I visit fewer locations, the travel is still pretty extensive.

On May 24th, my dad presented his testimony to our church. It was an incredible service. In a twist of fate (which for me means by God's ordination), it just so happened that my mom and another member were singing the special song. I had asked my dad if he would ask if I could pray as well, so it was a family affair. I managed to not cry big tears through his testimony until he got to talking about last November. He has been in many dangerous situations for his job(s), but given my age and cognisance of those events, they didn't hit me the way November's shooting did (and still does - since the investigation is ongoing and has yet to go before the grand jury - a formality of course, but one that feels like is DRAGGING!).

This weekend we went to my second cousin's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony in the Armstrong Browning Library on Baylor's campus (Bryan folks - do y'all remember going on a field trip there? I'm trying to remember what grade we were in), and the reception was in the Roosevelt building downtown. It was elegant and classy and all of those things a girl dreams of for her wedding day. In spite of all of that (or maybe because of it), I pretty much lost it after the cake cutting and couldn't stop the crocodile tears from flowing.

God love my sister though, she took notice and subtly decided it was time for us to go. We did a little convenience store shopping, and hung out at the hot tub with my brother's family for a while. Then the bridal party (the family parts of it anyway) joined us and we had a good time just chatting. All's well that end's well, huh?

Papa

My grandfather passed away on Friday morning. He was gone barely 30 minutes after I left for work. It was a shock, because although he was 92, he was in perfect health. In fact, when my dad called the Dr. to let them know, the Dr. called back because he couldn't believe it. He was staring at the results of bloodwork done on Tuesday and everything was exactly as it should be. Just goes to show, we should never take time for granted because we are not guaranteed our next minute.

Since the grandsons will all be pallbearers, they thought it would be nice to give the granddaughters the chance to speak at the funeral on Tuesday. Following is what I have prepared...


In searching for the perfect thing to read here, I was at a loss. Sure there are plenty of poems and prose available, but they were not right. The sentiment was there, but the words were just too flowery to be what I wanted. Papa was not a flowery man – though he planted them when Granny asked him to. He was a potato, tomato, corn, peas, okra and onions kind of man. He was a cow working, sharpen his own tools kind of man. Poems with flowery words would not do him justice.

Papa lived a life full of stories and if you knew him a minute, you knew he could tell a tale. Visits to their house growing up meant sweet tea as only Granny could make it, soft peppermint candy from the jar in the kitchen, and getting beat at checkers on a homemade board by Papa.

They almost always also included a true – well mostly true, and sometimes completely false story told by Papa. He shared stories from his childhood. Given my mom was from the Tyler area, he often shared driving there with his dad in a Model T Ford to pick up his brother. It was an all day event and as a young child – maybe 8 or 9 years old – Papa would drive part of the way. The memory was so clear to him that he often asked about the brick streets when he retold the story while staying with us.

He told tales of a toothbrush salesman who would give free toothpaste to people as a way to lure them in. Only the toothpaste was not really toothpaste, and after using it, customers always needed a toothbrush. See any of us for the rest of that one. He shared another story about foiling a kidnapper who stopped to barter with him. The man was from Iowa and traveled with a little girl. He built Papa a chest for his sister in exchange for the wood he needed to build his own chest as well. He recounted being struck by lightening and the lifelong impact that had.

His prose took us to Japan with him as he retold his experience of fighting in World War II. One of the most profound stories shared was of the Army receiving excess meat that they were going to have to dispose. Being a man who didn’t waste anything, he asked some of the Japanese ladies if they could use it instead. They were thrilled to receive such a treasure. Not only did he provide sustenance and avoid waste, he showed kindness and compassion to people were victims of the war equal to the Americans being attacked. He had an opportunity to revisit Japan through pictures Kerri sent from her winter trip. The day they arrived, he nearly met me at the door to show me the album and share the story of her visit.

For Papa, the story was not as much abut the topic, as it was the presentation. He his eyes would twinkle and his mouth would shape into his story-telling grin. He practiced emphasis and inflection as well as gestures to make sure the tale was told exactly as it needed to be told. I am grateful for the gift God gave my parents and I to have him in our house the last nine months. It was an honor and a joy to hear his stories one more time.

Papa lived a life of example. He worked hard, valued family, served his country and had an unwavering faith in God. He enjoyed his garden, working cows, any ballgame and Blue Bell ice cream. He taught us to never let anyone win at checkers and to live a life worth retelling.

My Spot

Last week I was talking with a friend about the places we seek for solace and clarity.

Today was our second day of nothing but gray skies...perfect for how I felt. This afternoon my mood was of the second to worst combination - worried and tired (the worst would be tired, worried and PMS in case you wondered). My family is dealing with a pretty significant change in a very short period of time.

Back story...my Gdad came to spend the weekend with us during Hurricane Ike. After that, he pretty much decided to stay. He still has his house in Madisonville, and he visits from time to time, but he is staying pretty permanently at Chateau Stewart these days. It's been great getting to know him in a new way and I am thankful to have this time with him in this way. He went home for a visit with my uncle last week (and to do a little gardening). He has been totally different since he got home. My best guess is that something at the house was a trigger - but all of a sudden he is very disoriented and forgetful. He has been talking about seeing people who have been gone for years (my Gmom, his brother, etc). It's so very strange how quickly he seems to have declined. We went through some of this with my mom's parents, but their decline was much more gradual (until my Gdad died and my Gmom declined quickly). As hard as that was, I can see how it prepared us to deal with it again. He went to the doctor today and they are doing some tests. Hopefully it will be something remedied (or improved) with medication adjustments. I'll be praying for that (feel free to join me if you feel inclined - I would really appreciate it).

Anyway, so that's what's been on my mind since last Friday (when he came home). I worry about my dad too because he isn't getting much sleep (my Gdad has started to wander at night). And today he was driving in the rain with less than the ideal amount of sleep. I'm glad to report they both made it home safe and sound, and so far, my Gdad is in bed. Maybe tonight will be the night he makes it through until morning.

With all of that, and because of my recent reflections on my spot, I thought it'd be nice to share photos with you. When I had my driver's permit, my parents would let me drive around the resort where we vacationed (which is conveniently about 5 miles from our current house). In my discovery driven drives (you know I love alliteration), I really developed an appreciation for the peace and quiet that came with these two spots.

The first spot was at the end of a road which dead-ended to a pier which of course ends in the water. They have since built condos around it, so it is a little less serene during vacation season (though still lovely and peaceful this time of year). It's where I would go when I needed quiet back then...and where I have gone since moving when I needed calm. It's where my ex and I first said I love you (puke, I know), and where I often worked through a Bible study last spring.




My second spot is now a park (though still contained within the resort property). Before they put up the sign declaring it's park status, it always felt off the beaten path...though there was a definitive dirt road that led the way. To get to it, you have to wind down several roads, past a few houses and with a turn here and there. It didn't matter that we visited one time per year, after the first finding, the map to "my" spot was burned into my being.

A few years ago they designated it as a park and added a picnic table. When I went today, the picnic table was gone, and there was a huge pile of limbs and debris to the left of the shore. I'm sure the table will be back...but until then, I enjoyed the view, sounds and smells from the comfort of my new favorite flip flops (which are now profoundly muddy!).





Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27

The Best?

How do you define the best?

In most competitive sports, it would seem that the winner is always the best. Though, I think there is room for argument there. Sure the opposing team may have won, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have the best talent used in the best plays, does it? Even the best have an off day, right?

This may come as a shock to you, but I’m not a competitive person. It’s probably why I am the queen of one year when it came to sports. I tried soccer for one year. I played basketball for one year. I took tennis for one year. I played softball one year. I was on swim team for one year. See the pattern? I always finished the year, but it wasn’t always fun. I really didn’t have the drive to care if we won or lost. The only thing I did longer than a year was dance. I danced for about 8 years. Go figure that my longest lasting activity was non-competitive.

I’ve never been the best. Maybe that’s due to my lack of competitiveness…but it’s true. I was certainly not the best of any of the above mentioned sports, nor was I close to the best dancer (Katy was and will always be the best dancer I’ve known). I participated in academic competitions – UIL and such, and placed in several events…but I don’t recall ever being first. I did well in school, but wasn’t valedictorian, nor did I graduate college with honors. I made perfect scores on test and papers, but even that didn’t designate me as the best.

I’m not the best daughter, sister or aunt (though I’m Alanna’s favorite…I taught her to say “please, you’re my favorite” when she wanted something and it’s stuck. I’m pretty sure if you asked her she would tell you she has 3 favorite aunts though). I work hard at my job (and succeed most of the time), but I bet I’m not the best HR Director in the world either. If you’ve read much of my blog, you know I’m not the best writer, nor am I the best at consistent blogging. I’m not the best of God’s children, nor do I always make the best decisions.

My intentions are mostly good – but we know about those and their connection to the road to hell. Some days feel like they are more about survival than succeeding. So I guess I wonder…though I may be the best at being me, am I the best I can be?

Speechless

Ever felt totally at a loss for words? Those reading who have known me longer than 10 minutes know that rarely happens to me. But here lately, I don't seem to have much to say on my blog. I have certainly written a blog for week 4 of our Bible Study...but the more I read it - the more I feel like it isn't worth posting. As a result, I have writer's block for weeks 5 & 6.


Don't get me wrong, I have a ton of thoughts and things swimming around in my head...but they are the same ol' things said different ways. This may be the very definition of being in a rut. I spend the bulk of my time at work, home and church, with the occasional tanning bed break (yes I know about skin cancer and the risk I am taking...frankly, it's the most living dangerously I do - aside from my walk to Mexico a couple of weeks ago - so humor me).


I feel some guilt for my writing absence. You see, I love reading other blogs and am actually one of those people who get a little tiny bit agitated when there isn't a new post for a while. I have never claimed to not be a hypocrit :-) But really, how much can one person expect another to read about how much I hate being single at this stage in life, how things have not gone as I thought they would, yada yada yada? In fact, I have probably exceeded most of your limits already.


For my married with kids friends, I want you to know - that even on your worst day, there is someone a little jealous of your life. Sure, I enjoy that I can travel and make plans without much thought and little consideration for how they affect others (dog-care is not as hard to hustle up as child care, I'm sure). I don't have to consult with anyone about a dime I spend. If I choose to wait an extra day or two to do laundry - no one is really the wiser.


But oh my goodness, think of the impact you are making on the world. You are responsible (albeit overwhelmingly at times) for another beings, well, being. You are their whole world, and the things you do with that child can leave a lifetime of good in the world. You know without a shadow of a doubt someone else needs you...that their success tomorrow is directly related to whether or not you are there. You know you matter. What a blessing!!

On a side note...my pastor referenced Habukkuk 2:3 on Sunday, "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail though it tarries, wait for it; for it will certainly come, it will not delay." While I know it certainly isn't all about me, I can't help but hope this is a reminder from God reminding me to be patient, for all things come in His time.

Bible Study Sessions 3

Howdy folks! I’m later than I planned to be on writing this (and even later than that because last week was so busy!). I had hoped to blog within 1-2 days of each Bible Study, but aside from last week being crazy busy (more on that later), this week’s study offered a lot to ponder and has taken time to digest. And I’m not sure I’ve still completely absorbed it, but I’ve chewed long enough to share.

This week began Beth Moore’s portion of the study, and if you’ve never seen her speak, find a way. She is incredibly powerful and motivating. Maybe it’s just me, but everything she says just makes me feel called to do more. I was fortunate to attend a simulcast last July, and came away fired up to do something different in our church with the Women’s Ministry. I shared my desire with the right people, and am now serving on that committee and feel very good about the things we have planned for our church. But I digress…

Anyway, Priscilla Shirer covered the anointing, and Beth Moore covers the transformation. During the course of her presentation at our last meeting, Moore made several excellent and quotable points. In talking with other women attending, we have all found ourselves repeating them – either in our heads or out loud throughout the days following. One point was that baggage attracts baggage. Yours may come in Gucci and his in a paper sack, but both enter into a relationship with baggage (maybe my problem is that I don’t have enough baggage to attract guys in my age group who seem to bring enough grocery sacks with them to fill several landfills? I digress…). She also made a point about seeking deliverance from your next pit instead of delaying it.

Perhaps the most resonating statement she made was that we have to get over our devastation with God. When she said that, I believe most of us had light bulbs click with realization, several of us felt relief to have a name for the feeling, and most of us were grateful to know we were not the only ones who had felt that way. There was also a sense of guilt leaving the room as well. I admit that I have felt disappointed in God and devastated by His apparent plan for my life. Though I realize I made active choices that no doubt had affect on my direction, I also fully contend that I am where He wants me to be. Am I the only one who has a hard time reconciling His plan for my life with what I had always envisioned my life would be like?

Rest assured a more than healthy amount of guilt comes with having that hard time. I don’t believe though that God is surprised by our inability to make His plan work with all of our expectations, desires, wants, or whatever you want to call them. I know assuredly that I am thankful that more than a few of my prayers were answered no. I prayed fervently that my ex would be the man I needed him to be…and that didn’t happen. It really couldn’t have happened; not because I do not think God could change him…He was the only one who could; but because I didn’t have near enough Gucci (or grocery) bags lying around to bring equal baggage to the relationship.

I do not want to be bogged down in the lonely hearts club - or have a pity party of one almost 30 year old, but that is my devastation. And I'm really not sure how to get past it. Maybe that will come with session 4.

Bible Study: Session 2

What a blessing this study is. Obviously, I am blessed by spending time in the word and with God, but I am also blessed by the fellowship of the ladies in our study. More than ever I am convinced there is more to it than my private worship and church attendance. I learn so much from those around me.

Doing the homework for week one, I had a light bulb moment that I shared with our group Monday night. There were a series of three questions. The first question had us read the story of Jacob and Rebekah's deceit of Isaac, and describe all they ways they manipulated him. The second had us compare that story with Abner's death in 2 Samuel and why David had peace. The third question - the one that tied it together asked how someone might feel who had tried controlling everything that they shouldn't. I wrote "anxious, suspicious, worrisome, stressed" and a few other words.

It hit me then, that the areas of my life where I experience the most worry and anxiety are the ones I have my fist gripped tightest around. They are the very ones I give to God in pieces...or give and take back when things are not happening by my timeline. Once I feel the anxiety and fear set in, the rest of the situation typically spirals until I am at my wit's end. But once I pray through it and hand it to God, I immediately feel peace.

It is powerful, albeit difficult for someone so independent, to realize the comfort that comes when I do not try so hard to be in control.

Along the same longs, I have had several reminders in the last few days of how God equips us to do His calling. The first reminder came in our homework, which lead me to read notes from a Beth Moore simulcast (she referenced 2 Timothy 3:17), and then today I received a devotional that said God equips those He calls. None of us can do it alone. But with Him equipping me, I can do exactly what He wants me to.

As a side note, I thought this was a wonderful definition of FAITH - A CONVICTION THAT HE CAN AND A HOPE THAT HE WILL.

Be blessed <><

101 Things About Me

I totally stole this from Katy...it was as fun as it was challenging...

1. I am a Christian.
2. I am a Baptist.
3. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, niece, leader, friend and maybe adversary – not always in that order.
4. When I am most mad, I cry.
5. I hate that about me.
6. I love music of all kinds. - Really – check out my cd book.
7. Yes, I still own cd’s and holders for them and I keep them in my car.
8. I alphabetize them annually.
9. I also have an iPod.
10. But I don’t use it in my car.
11. I love to drive.
12. My birthday is all odd numbers in order (3-5-79).
13. That explains a lot about me.
14. I’m considering being 29 again instead of 30.
15. Life sure isn’t what I envisioned.
16. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
17. I bought a house when I was 25.
18. I sold it at 29.
19. I didn’t like living alone – especially at a time I felt the most lonely.
20. Gracefulness is not one of my gifts.
21. I have scars to prove it.
22. I love to dance.
23. I’m too self-conscious to do so in public.
24. Unless there is consumption of adult beverages.
25. I like sweeter drinks – white wine and fruity martinis.
26. I love root beer and orange soda.
27. I need to drink more water.
28. I like the smell of coffee, but cannot stand the taste.
29. My blonde hair, green eyes, and lack of ability to curl my tongue prove I am the recessive child.
30. These days, I pay for my blonde hair (though at one time it was totally natural).
31. I am passionate.
32. I am an advocate.
33. One of my best conversations lately occurred at about 2:30 a.m. and involved religion, homosexuality and people I’ve known for one night, 3 months and my whole life.
34. I can fight my own battles.
35. It’d be nice to have someone available to fight them for me every now and then.
36. I tend to be politically conservative.
37. That does not make me close minded. It does not mean I have not thought through why I believe the way I do, simply that after doing so, I came to the same conclusion.
38. I can have a respectful discussion about almost any topic.
39. Insulting/hurting my family in any capacity is off-limits.
40. I pray.
41. I love to read and always have.
42. I hate assigned reading.
43. I love Johnson & Johnson’s vapor bath for babies when I’m feeling under the weather. The “stink” of mentholatum is soothing.
44. I have a long-hair chihuahua named Cooper.
45. I had his name picked a good 4 years before I got him.
46. He is wonderful.
47. I plan to buy bamboo sheets from now on. Not because I’m terribly eco-conscious, but because they are soft and don’t pill.
48. It still irritates me that I paid $50 for 450 thread count cotton sheets and they pilled within a few months.
49. Hair grosses me out.
50. I love theatre.
51. I navigated NYC like a local in February 2008.
52. I had other tourists ask me for directions – and I could give them.
53. It was only my 2nd time to visit – and the 1st was 13 years prior.
54. I have my dad’s sense of direction.
55. I am a middle child.
56. I have lost the equivalent of a tall cheerleader, 3 1/3 five year olds, 4 three year olds or 6 one year olds.
57. In that losing, I have found a new voice.
58. I am better for it in ways less obvious than appearance.
59. I appreciate the journey so far and look forward to how it continues.
60. I apologize a lot for things that are my fault and for things that aren’t. I mean it when I say I’m sorry.
61. I need Christian, rugged, decisive, compassionate and funny. I also prefer tall. Is that too much to ask?
62. I don’t like the texture of coconut. It reminds me of hair. See # 49.
63. I enjoy live music. Most of the time even bad live music is good in the right venue.
64. Proverbs 31:25 is currently one of my favorite verses.
65. I’m also partial to Hebrews 13:2, Psalms 91:11 and Matthew 6:25-34 is forever bookmarked.
66. Ecclisiastes 1:18 was a writing prompt on a practice English AP exam when I was a junior in HS.
67. I have a freakishly good memory.
68. Traveling is one of my favorite things to do. I’m ready to go just about anywhere.
69. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to get a passport.
70. I enjoy politics and current events.
71. I’m the Dir of HR for the company I work for.
72. I love my job.
73. Every night when I watch the news, I am that much more grateful for employment.
74. I was named after a Miss America contestant (maybe winner?).
75. I don’t have any siblings named after the other three seasons.
76. My biggest fear is not realizing my potential and living life fully.
77. My second biggest fear is heights.
78. I love roller coasters.
79. The quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me I can’t (within reason of course).
80. I don’t believe that having money means you have more class.
81. I respect and admire a long list of people. There is infinite room on that list.
82. I don’t put people on a pedestal. If they fell, it would be too hard for me.
83. I’m currently reading 3 different books.
84. I will most likely give up on one of them. I’ve been trying to read it for months and though I’m halfway through, I’ve yet to get interested.
85. Reading Cosmo is a guilty pleasure – and has been known to make me laugh until my sides hurt.
86. I really enjoy reading blogs. Other people’s lives are so interesting – I hope somedays that mine is equally entertaining.
87. I like to cook.
88. I hate to clean-up after cooking.
89. Most of the time, I enjoy being a girl.
90. Target is my favorite store.
91. I’ve made mistakes.
92. I learned from them though, so maybe I should call them lessons taught by choices.
93. I’m almost 30 and still single. Sometimes being bitter comes with that territory. 90% of the time though, I’m okay with waiting for marriage a little longer.
94. I like talk radio even Dr. Laura.
95. As independent and “modern” thinking as I am, I am equally old-fashioned.
96. I have enough black pants/skirts to last me two weeks without doing laundry.9
7. Some days, I just need color.
98. I love the sun and the beach.
99. I also enjoy rain.
100. I like dark rooms.
101. My niece and nephews are the most precious kids in the world.
102. I may be biased a little on 101.
103. I’ve cheated and added to the 101 things.
104. That’s the most rebelious thing I’ve done today, but not this week.

Your turn :-)

Bible Study: Week 1

We started a Bible Study at church last night and I can't say enough how excited I am about it. During the initial planning, several ladies had shared that there was previously a lack of participation. I do not think their goal was to discourage the idea, so much as it was to prepare me in a way that I wouldn't be disappointed.

All I have to say is...God showed us.

Wow! Originally, 18 books were purchased...then another 9 before Sunday giving us 27 total (for those who are not mathematically minded - a group I'm proudly in). When I walked into church Sunday night, I counted and we had 30 signed up. So the plan was for me to buy 7 more books Monday. Once at Lifeway, I felt compelled to buy 10 - for a total of 37 books (plus my leadership kit). I'm excited to say - we were short by 3. And that's with four ladies who had signed up missing. If all come to our next session, we will have 44 total participating.

Not that it is all about numbers - really my goal is to make a difference in the fellowship of the women of our church and community...but it's great to do that with such a good number of ladies. And the energy of our group is nothing short of spectacular. It was tangible the minute we were all gathered. A divine electricity. You could see all the stories and backgrounds represented, as well as all the hearts truly seeking God's will for their lives. Walking around the room - passing out items and doing some general milling around as dinner was devoured - I observed just how dynamic these women were. Awesome.

Our study is Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed - A Study of David written and presented by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore and Kay Arthur. Each other tackles a different stage of David's life and teaches it from the perspective they have based on where they are. The study is designed to be multigenerational - which I think is wonderful.

In watching the video last night, I was struck teary when Shirer made a point about how we do not need an appointment to interact with God. It is so powerful to know that regardless of circumstance or appearance, the Almighty chose me to be His child and bless me with His grace and mercy. He doesn't care that I'm almost 30 (something I"m having a hard time dealing with), may have had a bad haircut, or that pimple that always sprouts at the exact wrong time - He still loves me and wants me. I'm so unworthy and grateful.

My prayer is that through this study we all grow in our relationship with God and each other. I pray that every goal/expectation is exceeded and needs are met that were not previously realized. I'm excited to see how things blossom over the remaining sessions/weeks and can only hope to leave each time feeling as exhilarated as I did last night. I have yet to stop smiling.

<><